😱 A Close Encounter Of The Worst Kind

The good the bad and the ugly about yesterday

Let's start with the good. I woke up feeling quite a bit more high spirited than I had in recent memory. I got up got my morning started, had breakfast, and waited for my ride to take me to my appointment. The ride there is quite relaxing, I've learned to like the fact that it's out of town. I enjoy the ride, and the chit chat me and my case worker have on the way up. All things were fine and dandy. When we arrived at the main office, I signed in and had a seat, she made her way behind faculty doors to discuss who knows what. I waited for my appointment.

As I sat in the lobby amongst other patients, I noticed as people came in out of of the door I entered, sometimes down, and in through the various other halls and entrances of the facility. At some point an individual came into the main door. I looked over at him, thought nothing of him, looked away, then he announced his named, both his name, and his voice sounded familiar I thought. I turned back to look at him as I watched him sign the clipboard, he was standing at an angle, I could only see him partially. I turned away for two seconds looking into the hallway having moved on, then it suddenly registered who this man was. It was my estranged  male birther father! I could not believe my eyes, my ears, my mind, everything was spinning. How could this be possible? What are the chances? Anxiety overcame me, he seemed to be signing that clipboard in slow motion, he was unaware of me, what do I do? I was in a mental state of panic, my head and eyes darting around the room.

Finally my eyes locked on the men's bathroom door just down the hall. I got up, and speed walked to restroom. Once there I regretted it, the bathroom was small, one way in, one way out, not even a window. I had no eyes on the outside, no sense of where he was at, when they'd call me back for my appointment, nothing! I was trapped. Finally I decided I had to get out of there, plus it was pretty gross in there. So I walk out of the bathroom, back in the direction the seat I was in, I notice my.... Father was not in sight, nor were any of the previous patients who were there before my mad dash, odd. Instead of sitting I continued downed the hall, it turned. As I turned I looked back and I seen my father, he was at the vending machines, they were just past the bathrooms. I hurried and rushed down to the end of the hallway, there I had to figure out what to do. Do I go out the doors, do I stand here, or what? I turn around, I see my case worker, I signal her, she comes over, we move aside to narrow hall that leads to some kind of showroom where some demonstration was being given, we didn't go in though, we were just getting out of view. I filled her in, she immediately apologized, she was aware he was a patient, but didn't put our last two names together (honestly who could?), he doesn't even live in the same town as me and I can't recall the last time I seen him! This was a complete Twilight Zone occurrence.

She devised a plan, she needed to talk with the staff, discreetly of course about keeping us separated, keeping him at bay while not letting him know of my presence. That was my understanding anyways. She she left off, and I stayed in that hallway anxiously awaiting her arrival as patients kept walking back and forth giving me anxiety! Then it happened, he came walking back as if he was heading towards the doors, sipping his can of sprite, he looked over just before hitting the doors and stopped, eye contact was made, and for a split second I thought  "it's been so long maybe he wouldn't even recognize me", and in that same second thought, "maybe that isn't even him after all". Then he said "son" and came to embrace me, and I went cold. 

As I went into a sort of automated mode, I wondered where in the world that case worker was or the staff. As my dad asked me questions such as hey what are you doing here, how are you doing. To which I responded "well despite your absence, and negligence, I managed to make it 27 years! Of course I'm in this place so I didn't come out completely unscathed" - I didn't say any of that - I gave responses so generic I don't even remember them. I do remember thinking if this was maybe it for my sanity, this was the first day all week that I woke up in a good mood, I came here optimistic, and like a plot twist on a tv show, my father is here. I wondered if this is the day I go walking out the building wondering aimlessly until finally I sit on a bench at a park, and begin talking to myself about my troubles, like in the movie Blue Jasmine. Before this exchange could be the last of me, my case worker called me over, she discreetly apologized. I was taken back to meet with the nurse and my psychiatrist. I wouldn't see my father again.

Unfortunately there was still more damage to be done, my psychiatrist seeing both me and my father was a conflict of interest and would likely result in one of us being removed from his care. I was hoping it wasn't me, I liked this guy. Turns out, my dad has been coming to this place awhile (the mantra for the day was Who Knew!?). So, you do the math, I was reassigned, he seen me one last time, but from now on I'll have a new psychiatrist.

I've been taken off my Zoloft, well I have to slowly tapper off of it, but, it's being phased off as its ineffective. I'm now going to be taking something called Lexapro, and that mood stabilizer is being increased. None of this takes effect until next week. We will see.