Brandon, Who Lives At Home

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.

I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints ...

My body is so achy it seems un - natural.  It's in my lower back, my knees , upper legs and shoulders. I struggled through yesterday's workout bad. It almost seems to have gotten worse by the day. I didn't work out Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Yesterday I hit the gym for the first in months, since the crack of January, and it was incredibly rough. I attempted doing the elliptical and could only luster a total of 15 minutes nonconsecutive. First round did just over 11 and felt disgusted. After I hit the rowing , chest press, and seated leg press machines I decide to try to redeem myself on the elliptical. I made it exactly 4 minutes...*sigh*It was the biggest flop I've ever had returning to the gym, cardio is my forte, so I was just really feeling bad inside. Also, I kid you not! This older man literally looked at me  and did one of these numbers But more jackassier. I'm trying not to get discourage I really am, but its like now that I'm back on track the...

Really it should come as both little , and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again . I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration. It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify. I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those st...

  So yesterday was a bad day for my diet, probably the worse day Ive had all year, that includes the Superbowl, why? Cookies, Peanut Butter cookies. So for breakfast I had a bowl of Kix Cereal and a few Peanut Butter cookies. For lunch... I had peanut butter cookies, and quite a few at that. And for dinner I had a delicious lunch meat sandwich with chips, and.... some peanut butter cookies. I ate so many cookies. Someone decided to make peanut butter cookies, and I decided to go overboard. Report card Diet: Poor. Those cookies made for a bad day. I effed up, made horrible decisions. Exercise: Fair. I did the 25 minute chair exercises, and I do not like them, I will likely not do it gain, my chairs are too low or two high (too high in this case). Afterwards I had some back discomfort from the lower back exercises it has you do. Water: Fair. Less than usual. Sleep: Poor. I got to bed after 3AM, again! Mental Health: Fair. The cookies thing had me feeling like an ...