It's The Soul That Needs The Surgery

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Really it should come as both little, and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again. I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration.

It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify.

I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those stories where the person gets the surgery and either doesn't lose at all, or loses it and then gains it all back, after making such a dramatic internal modification to their body. I know that surgery, because of my mental battles that trigger my habits, wouldn't be good. But I want the weight gone.

I know it's damned if I do damned if I don't. Especially right now. I'm still on the uptick of gain. I'm not even in a mindset of losing. I've become someone even worse than before. I'm looking for an easy out knowing there isn't one, knowing that there are severe consequences to taking any endeavor whether natural or surgical to weightloss without being completely committed means failure.

Who is this person?

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