My Mind Cant Help But Wonder, How Come?

-
Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that."

That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation. 

The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The present and future aren't worth the trouble.

Expressing this to the group was met with dismay. Everyone got a little emotional, expressing how they think I'm a good person and how these things would effect people including them. I couldn't help but wonder why? Why do these people feel this way, and how come it bothers me. And can I get it back? Can I find the desire again?

But if I can back up a bit, why do people care about this one life anyways? In the grand scheme of it all. My view of the world has become so dark over the year that the concept of people caring is hard to grasp. Why do programs like this even exist? Why are there therapists, why are there people trying to help. What's the motive?
Can the intent really be to help other beings, can that really exist in this world? Am I crazy for having such bleak worldview. Have I descended into madness? 

I'm trying to change but I'm battling against myself, so the changes of progress are like a pendulum that gets stuck in one end after a brief period of consistent flow. 
A painting someone from group made for me! 


Popular posts from this blog

Loose Skin

-
Image
So there it is for all to see the loose, hanging skin on my arms that was once filled with nothing but fat. I didn't really pay too much attention to this growing phenomenon  until last year when a certain incident occurred that I deliberately decided not to write about because  I would not only discard the good things that happened that day, but turn this into an actual bigger issue. The incident occurred one of the first times I went to the gym solo and was coming back, it was one of the better days if I recall. I had my arm out the window (or on the window seal) enjoying the breeze and we were stopped at a red light. I noticed in my rear-view mirror that in one of the cars in the next lane was a guy talking to some woman, and he looked over at my arm and said "that guys got a really big arm." Then the light went green, it didn't really click to me at first, but when I was bigger I used to try to avoid hanging my arm on or out the window because I was emba
Read more

Move Along Move Along, Just To Make It Through

-
Image
The title, lyrics from one of my favorite bands and one of my favor songs, The All-American Reject's Move Along . It randomly popped up in my head at just the right time. I'm not going to give up, I pretty much see how sort of ridiculous my feelings have been the last 48 hours. Lifestyle changes are not easy, it took me 27 years, 27 years of gradually weight gain to put me here, and its not going to be lost over night, not even in a year, but a lot can be done in a year, more in two, and so on, and so on. I have to keep sight of what I want, and that is to be thinner, happier and healthier. Going back to work will be a new obstacle Ill have to adjust to, Ill have to endure the looks, the stares, the embarrassment, Ill have to live through my worst fears all over again, but I know these are the last of them, these are the final years of these bad experiences. Because I'm going to continuing losing weight, and the people and actions that intend to bring me down, will, but won
Read more

Mental Illness & Obesity, Seems One Is Getting The Best Of Me

-
A handful of weeks ago it looked like I was on the fast track to recovery still. I was going to therapy, making medical appointments, taking my necessary medications, still losing weight. It wasn't perfect, but I seemed to be in an all around better place, I'm sure many of you would agree. In the last couple weeks in particular, however, I seem to have done a 180. My already lacking, optimism, shot to smithereens. My weight loss has slowed down. Will to carry on, weak. And I honestly can't make sense of it. On paper everything sounds perfect, I'm losing weight, receiving counseling, getting more active, there's those non-scale victories. So why is it I'm in what seems like an eternal cloud of depression? I feel like I had so much more control before, and now nothing. My medication is suppose to be in full effect by now, how is it I was more stable at the beginning, than I am now? A couple days ago I had a severe breakdown, I even told my mom I wasn't sure
Read more

Archive

Show more