My Mind Cant Help But Wonder, How Come?

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Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that."

That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation. 

The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The present and future aren't worth the trouble.

Expressing this to the group was met with dismay. Everyone got a little emotional, expressing how they think I'm a good person and how these things would effect people including them. I couldn't help but wonder why? Why do these people feel this way, and how come it bothers me. And can I get it back? Can I find the desire again?

But if I can back up a bit, why do people care about this one life anyways? In the grand scheme of it all. My view of the world has become so dark over the year that the concept of people caring is hard to grasp. Why do programs like this even exist? Why are there therapists, why are there people trying to help. What's the motive?
Can the intent really be to help other beings, can that really exist in this world? Am I crazy for having such bleak worldview. Have I descended into madness? 

I'm trying to change but I'm battling against myself, so the changes of progress are like a pendulum that gets stuck in one end after a brief period of consistent flow. 
A painting someone from group made for me! 


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