Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Really it should come as both little , and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again . I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration. It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify. I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those st...

Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that." That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation.  The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The presen...

I know everything I need to know, that there is to know about nutrition. Lack of knowledge isn't my problem, I know what and when I'm doing wrong and continue anyways. In 2017 in the first half of the year before summer I reached a peak low weight of 320 , actually, 318, but I round up in this case because I hit 318 once and 320 multiple times. That was likely the true low anyways. So yeah 320. My dwindling reader base may remember that every time I got this low I shot up 5-15lbs, then got back down and repeated. There was clearly something psychosomatic about my inability to go any lower. Something within did not want me to continue to get lower, but why? Was I afraid of the realities of things? Maybe I was right, maybe everything would change and my social bubble would explode and I'd be involved in more endeavors and doing more. Maybe that meant I was scared that I wouldn't know who I was going to become, that the person I knew would be erased and maybe peop...

Dreams. I've been having dreams in which I'm running from something. A thing, or situations. I'm running from zombies in a peri-apocalyptic world.  I'm in a large city in traffic and a nuclear bomb is minutes from today touch down so the entire city is trying to escape to underground. Things become a fight to survive from the other people afterwards! Another, I'm running from my life from suspicious strangers out to do me harm. Trying to get away from gangsters. Trying to outrun vicious Grisly Bears that are unworldly smart. Or most recently trying to outrun a massive pack of hyenas. Most of these dreams have something in common. I'm running  in fear for my life, and I'm often simultaneously in search of my friends. Friends I've actually never met. In the hyena dream I knew I needed to make it closer to my friends in order to be safe from the hyenas. When I made it to my friends they were people I never met before, its been like this in every dream...

If you follow me on Instagram you're probably aware I entered a partial hospitalization program sometime in January. If you don't, now you do. If you've followed this blog long enough you know I was fully hospitalized twice most, recent being 2016, after which I was told I should enter this program, I refused. Suicidal ideation had increased quite a bit leading up to January and so I reluctantly decided I'd give the program a try as a last ditch effort to try to prevent what I felt was the inevitable. Last year at the beginning of the year I set some goals and failed them all. I recently turned 31, and honestly anytime I think about my age I  sink.  My weight is up, way up, in back into the mid 400s, yes it's that bad. And I've just been floating by. In 2016 I started following a woman, she mostly posted about her family but she was trying to lose weight initially. I enjoyed seeing updates about her kids who were in their late teens, nearing graduation....