Showing posts from July 31, 2016

I Am The Same, I'm The Same. I'm Trying To Change

It wasnt the greatest week, I only worked out on that one day, Monday. I felt no motivation to do it any other day. The past few days, I haven't been able to blog because I havent been able to sort out my thoughts.  My head seems to be constantly underwater, I'm trying to accept family matters, even as I realize home is a melancholy pit. I'm becoming slightly undone, I wish could I be more resilient and assure myself that all of this is going to pay off, and to stay strong and to stick to it. There is a very dark clout around me, a negative space that I really can't shake.

I'm reminded a lot lately of my deep depression that kick started my journey in 2014, just in my day to day thinking. A sort of mental agony, wanting so badly to get out of it, out of that life, out of that body, and how I never thought it would get worse than that until it did last year multiple times, and got pretty bad earlier this year too. At the current rate I'm going I can easily star…


Life is interesting isn't it. Last week a post title had revival in the name, signaling at the very least that my spirits were elevated. It's so interesting how day to day my spirit can radically change, week to week month to month. Optimism is like a flickering light bulb not quite screwed in all the way so it's never going to stay all the way on, but every now and then it lights up for a few seconds longer than usual. Then it's back to the flickering. That's how it is for me anyways.

Psychiatry is fascinating, sometimes I imagine a world where I'm thin and I have taken up a career in this field, sometimes. Today I seen my psychiatrist, she increased my Prozac, I will now be at the highest dosage, I do feel like I've slightly dealt with depression overall better these past couple months, than prior. She also doesn't recommend I go back into the job market, she thinks I should continue focusing on the weightloss and also considering going into a group …

Gym Day

Yesterday I went to the gym, it will likely be the only time I go to the gym this week, my mom has been making passive aggressive  comments about taking me and complaining about gas, so I just  decided I won't go the rest of the week. So I got my one days worth in yesterday, I was there for just over two hours, did my typical 45 minute treadmill walk to start things off before hitting up the chest press machine and leg extension machine several times. It was the first  Monday of the month, you know what that means!? Pizza day at Planet Fitness, that's right Planet Fitness orders pizza and your welcome to eat as much as you wish (no judgment zone remember)... What, in actual hell! How counter productive! I didn't partake, no one is being forced to eat the pizza but the very business practise genuinely rubs me the wrong  way (two years ago I would have been the guy eating 6 slices).  Anyways I did an additional 15 minute walk on the treadmill before closing the chapter on th…

Another Sad Story: Washington DC

In high school I went on my schools senior trip to Washington DC. The trip was intended to be 5 days, we would take a charter bus. See some historical sights yadayada. I forget how much the cost was but my mom thought it would be good for me to go, so she paid. I was nervous from the beginning, I had never spent a night out of town, but was a bit excited to say I'd been to Washington.

My mom actually got me some new outfits to wear to the occasion, I hated them all. They were snug, and were branded, I've never liked branded clothing they looked warped and just bad on me. However, it wasn't like I looked better in anything else. The day came, well actually night, that we set off, I remember that night well, not that well because I don't remember what day it was but I had anxiety and optimism. I hopped on the fancy charter bus and found my way to a seat, or seats rather, because there were two seats on each  side per row, and I took up both seats in my row. Quite embarr…

The Weigh-in 01/08/16: Up

Well the string had to come to an end. Now that I look at it, it was 8 consecutive weeks of straight loss, no yoyo-ing, no maintaining, just loss. That's over now, because I've gained, gained for the first time since May. Last week I weighed 374.8, this week I weigh 376.6.I gained 1.8lbs! There could be a few reasons for this, I had more red meat than usual last week, I also ate out twice, though I didn't go overboard, the logical theory is it's possible that since muscle weighs more than fat, that I gained muscle, my therapist even warned me that I should be wary of more fluctuating results, I was already aware. Yet I still can't help but feel like crap. A week where no progress has been made on the scale, I'm filled with quite s bit of anxiety.

The plan for the week, get to the gym a few times , try out that Cize workout, and pending how many days I go to the gym do my dumbbell workout. Also my friend likely won't be on board for my gym routine after all,…