Showing posts from March 15, 2015
The Best News I've Heard In The Last 24 hours: my Amazon order finally shipping.

One Project/Task I'll start today: utilizing positive affirmations.

One Habit I Would Like To Develop: eating vegan

One Habit I Am Trying To Break: procrastination (not trying nearly hard enough)

One Good Thing About Today: it's officially spring and it looks and feels it

Polka dots or Stripes: Stripes

Toffee or Fudge: Fudge

Curtains Or Blinds:  Blinds

Talk Radio or Rock and Roll: Both

Laptop or Desktop: Laptop

Pen with Blue or Black Ink: Black

Digital or Analog Watch: Digital

DIY Home renovations or Hire contractor: Hire Contractor

Gas or Eletric oven: Eletric

Tennis Or Golf: Tennis

Iced Coffee or Iced Tea: Iced Tea

Short Stories or Poetry: Both

Meadow or Forest: Forest

Reptiles Or Insects: Reptiles

Oh... It's Saturday?

Where did my week go exactly? Into the ether like all my other ones I suppose. I watched some video yesterday by a guy called Matt Diaz, he lost over like 200 pounds I think? Well anyways he was revealing his loose skin, the after effects of weightloss, similar to youtubes ObeseToBeast. What's interesting about them is how differently they wore their weight. Brain (YouTube: ObeseToBeast), wore very little on his chest, while the opposite is true for Matt (YouTube: MattDiazChampion). It kind of put things into prospective, I won't suddenly have a dream body after weight loss, I'll have tons of loose skin, trading one problem for another.

It isn't getting easier to wake up to my life yet. I'm still huge, no little orange pill will suddenly take that away, perhaps Im realizing that now. Ive been asking myself if I'm strong enough for all this, for losing the weight, for battling depression, and I keep telling myself "of course I'm strong enough. My mom ne…

How It Went

Yesterdays visit at the couseling center was rather boring. It was basically paperwork, the lady I met with is like my case worker of sorts. I'm on some waiting list to be seen by a psychiatrist, they said I was  high priority so it shouldn't be "too long" hopefully " before my medication has runs out." Im also on a waiting list for a therapist.  It's disapointing, in the mean time I meet with the case worker once a week or whenever to help me with things like finding groups and things like that. We meet again next Tuesday.
On my way in to the center I seen my reflection in the windows, and I was not happy with what I seen. I can't wait till I can see myself in a mirror, an image, a reflection and be proud of myself. I fantasize all the time about a future skinny life (all my problems gone, and yes they would be). Getting in an out of cars with ease, going places, having fun, working, being normal. I'm not normal. What I would give just to blend…

And Then A Dark Cloud Reappeared

I was just informed that do to a series of events recent months regarding my oldest nephew, he will not be able to stay with us for Summer Break. For the past 10 years we have had him over for his entire summer, and often his entire spring, thanksgiving, and Christmas breaks too. It is incredibly hard not to imagine him being around this year. Last summer during my deep depression having him around was one of the strongest reasons I didn't do anything crazy. He is a blast to have around. We play games, have movie marathons, joke around, fight like cats and dogs (and get over it), and talk. He is just such a good kid, he makes us feel appreciated, lifts our spirits, and is just a joy to have over.

It's not like I'll never see him again, it just won't be often and likely won't be for an extended period of time. It feels like I'm mourning his presence though, it really hurts and it's scary to think about not having him around. It's so funny, every time aft…

Counseling Center Today.

So today I'll be meeting with someone at a counseling center. That will begin to lead to other treatments, but I'm excited and nervous to see what comes of it. Yesterday I ate less than a thousand calories, which is making the My fitness pall app very upset. I didn't do much yesterday, and I'm not sure what's in store for today post meeting. Yesterday I didn't take my antidepressant, I initially forgot and then it got so late in the day that I kind of just figured it was too late, in spite of the labels strict Instructions to immediately take it if you forget, unless it's close to when you'd take it the next time. It was an interesting day looking back in terms of my emotional place.

I was tempted to get on the scale today, it's been a whole week since I was in the hospital. And while there I kept fearing I would gain weight, why? Because I was eating three meals a day. When I arrived home that day and weighted myself to discover I was the same weig…

Mid Week.

Yesterday I had scrambled eggs, sausage and toast for breakfast, skipped lunch and had leftovers for dinner. So again Orange Roughy Fish, green beans and coleslaw. I again was well below my daily calorie intake. I also did not do my miles, but I'll address that in a separate post later.

One Thing I'm Looking Forward To: Going out and take pictures. (Eventually)

One Thing That Will Require A Creative Approach: My photography

One Thing I'd Love To Put Off, But Won't: Honestly, tomorrow's appointment I have with outpatient counseling, I have anxiety about it, I'm nervous and just yeah. I'd rather not go now, but I will.

One Thing I Do Far Too Often: Overlooking my gut-feeling about something

One Thing I Don't Do nearly Enough Of: Enjoy the moment

This Week So Far

The Good: Feeling like I'm getting back on track, not having the emotional strain I was in.  Having appointments to improve my mental health.

The Bad: Lacking of exercise, and the subtle fear I may b…

Yesterdays Drawing Project


On The Right Track

My Fitness Pal said I should be taking in 3700 calories a day according to my weight and height. I tried taking that into consideration yesterday, however I consumed less than half that. I think I did okay overall. For breakfast I had a bowl of Fruity Cheerios, for lunch I had a bag of Quaker Popped sweet chili rice crisps, I later had another bag for a snack, and then for dinner I had baked orange roughy fish, green beans and coleslaw. All that came to a grand total of 1,245 calories, interestingly I went over my sodium limit. So that's something I need to keep an eye out on. In other news... I didn't do my mile yesterday, but will definitely do it today. I think yesterday went well.

I think I'm going to do some drawing today, during the early months of last year I did a lot of drawing and then it tapered off a bit. I think it went from fun to creative to abstract to really just representing my feelings. I'm no artist so none of it is great, but it's some I did a…

A Nice Visit

Today some friends of mine paid me a visit. I haven't seen them since  the Super Bowl, and a couple weeks ago I deleted my facebook, and have no cell phone so there's been no way of contacting me. They were concerned and worried, last they heard from me I mentioned Id been hired at Walmart, think I was only a couple days in at the time.

It was a nice visit, they both told me it looks like I've lost weight, with one claiming "you look great." Which was kind of great to hear. I told them about my foot woes and (very) vaguely spoke of my mental strain and hospitalization. They were pretty alarmed, but offered to help any way they could. Initially they wanted me to come hangout, but I'm just not ready for it, so I declined, I was told to email if I needed anything, and that theyed check up on me this Sunday.

It was a pretty cool visit that didn't fill me with anxiety that random (or sheduled) visits generally create for me. I'm starting to think, maybe th…

Monday Begin Again

The weekend is over, it was a pretty mellow weekend in comparison to some of the ones Id been having. I did my laundry and watched quite a few movies which were a rather mixed bag in terms of genre and theme. I watched the following (All of which were pretty good I must say)


Gimmie Shelter

Kelly And Cal

Space Station 76

Bad Turn Worse

Beneath The Harvest Sky

Dirty Teacher

I had to set up some insurance stuff this morning, I recently got approved for Medicad which should do a lot for my future health care costs. On today's agenda is more movies, documenting my food intake, and starting my indoor walking again. I'm going to start with just one for today, and maybe do different numbers different days.

Heres a new thing I'm going to try to do everyday, it's from some worksheets I got from my recent stay at the behavioral health pavilion. They will have some degree of variation.

This is what I'm wearing today: Brown tee shirt, and grey sweatpants

And how it makes me feel:…

Trying To Turn The Switch On

My plan is to really get back into the swing of things this week, starting Monday,Nim just having a hard time getting there mentally, I can't seem to spark the fire.  I did almost all my laundry today, still have one last round to do for today. I've been thinking about that most recent bout of depression I had the past few weeks, I've been thinking back and I really think that it was the worst case ever, and I don't even think I've come fully back from it yet. That said I'm certainly going to head in to the week with a mostly clean slate.

That's it for today, kind of a short post.