Oh... It's Saturday?

Where did my week go exactly? Into the ether like all my other ones I suppose. I watched some video yesterday by a guy called Matt Diaz, he lost over like 200 pounds I think? Well anyways he was revealing his loose skin, the after effects of weightloss, similar to youtubes ObeseToBeast. What's interesting about them is how differently they wore their weight. Brain (YouTube: ObeseToBeast), wore very little on his chest, while the opposite is true for Matt (YouTube: MattDiazChampion). It kind of put things into prospective, I won't suddenly have a dream body after weight loss, I'll have tons of loose skin, trading one problem for another.

It isn't getting easier to wake up to my life yet. I'm still huge, no little orange pill will suddenly take that away, perhaps Im realizing that now. Ive been asking myself if I'm strong enough for all this, for losing the weight, for battling depression, and I keep telling myself "of course I'm strong enough. My mom need's me to be strong, my nephews need me to be strong, the readers of this blog need me to be strong" but I just don't know. When I first got back home a part of me felt like I was entering a new frontier, like things were going to be better. What is wrong with me?! I no longer have that painful job, I'm taking antidepressants, why am I'm sliding back!?

A recent comment made me realize I haven't been doing my work sheets the past few days, I actually meant to yesterday, but I just didn't have the energy. Does that sound crazy? I didn't have it in me to reach a positive place, it is so hard to get there some times, it's like a struggle. It's literally like I'm battling myself sometimes, there is the internal conflict that is just exhausting. This is something that is hard to describe. I'm going to force one out today, but in a separate post because I just can't right now...


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