Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints ...

I'm blogging because I feel like I need to express some things I can't do on Instagram. The only other platform I cover my weight loss. I don't feel well emotionally. I've been binging daily the past couple weeks. I'm not sure about my place in this world. Or maybe I do and that's the problem, I've told my therapist and psychiatrist that I believe I'm going to die by suicide, this was during a particularly good period I was having. earlier this year, yet the feeling was and is still there, I feel like no matter how much better I get one day I'm just going to be that person that suddenly does it. No one will see it coming because things will have seemed to turn around, but I don't know if they truly turn around at all. Every time I hear about suicide I sink a bit. They did it. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't done it already in comparison to some of the people that have, people who had far more to live for. My whole purpose in life ...