Im Not Sure

I'm blogging because I feel like I need to express some things I can't do on Instagram. The only other platform I cover my weight loss. I don't feel well emotionally. I've been binging daily the past couple weeks. I'm not sure about my place in this world. Or maybe I do and that's the problem, I've told my therapist and psychiatrist that I believe I'm going to die by suicide, this was during a particularly good period I was having. earlier this year, yet the feeling was and is still there, I feel like no matter how much better I get one day I'm just going to be that person that suddenly does it. No one will see it coming because things will have seemed to turn around, but I don't know if they truly turn around at all.

Every time I hear about suicide I sink a bit. They did it. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't done it already in comparison to some of the people that have, people who had far more to live for. My whole purpose in life is to lose weight and I've already been told plenty times that things won't magically change once I'm at my goal weight. So what am I really doing.

I suppose this is a bad note to return on. Right to the most intense topic imaginable, with 0 good things to mention. But here I am. I've been carelessly binging for a few weeks, after I had been doing pretty good. I'm sure the way I've eaten I've gain all my lost weight back that I lost this year. I think I've given in to the fact that I just won't be around in the grand scheme of things.

I don't know if it's worth trying to lose weight again. I've been addicted to my bad eating habits. I don't know how to recover and I'm just not sure if there is a point.

I don't have a life, I haven't had one one in two decades. I'm 30 now. I didn't accomplish anything this year, I haven't accomplished anything in this life. No one cares, not in real life. No one has offered to help me, they watched me struggle and gain weight and say nothing. It's easier to live this life of binge eating, 0 nutrition, no activity. Than it is to be actively losing weight, because no one regards what I've tried to do as serious.

It all comes down to me though. It's always just been me. What I wanted wasn't realistic. My life's been over for a long time and I suppose I've been blind to that since I started this journey. This was never going to lead me to the life I wanted. But I knew that, that's why I was so miserable that first year, I was losing weight but still didn't believe what I wanted would ever happen.

It's a horrible thing feeling depressed, it feels like there is a weight in your shoulders, like there is a thick layer of something covering you that you can't get off. Constantly feeling like things are hopeless, your life has no meaning, you are better off dead. It's exhausting. 

The idea of feeling like this another year, a year that would mark me turning 31 and still having achieved nothing. I've watched my brothers transform and become better people. I'm the bum, it's me, I've become the failure. The only one to graduate and attempt college and I'm the failure. I'm not really putting myself up against them the way I used to, just laying down the facts. I bring nothing to the table and have no one, I have a minuscule and drying social life and no love life at all.

I'm just venting, I need to get all this out. I'm not thinking of killing myself at the moment, I don't need links and numbers to prevention helplines, those wouldn't be effective on me anyways. I just feel like I'll eventually bite the dust by my own doing regardless of how far it appears I've come. Am I self sabotaging? Maybe. I don't know what's what anymore.

There are people on Instagram that genuinely think of me as some weight loss hero and I just think it's ridiculous. Look at me making the same old mistakes. I'm not someone who should be any one's inspiration and I regret that I am. That's it for now.