Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Yesterday was amazing. I never got so many hugs. I felt like Beyonce for a day. I was sent off with ice cream. One member made me a poem, another gave me a sketch book and pastels cause she knows I like to draw and I doodled a lot during session, someone selected a song for us to listen to because the night before they heard it on the radio and the song "makes me think of Brandon, cause he makes me smile." the song was September by Earth, Wind & Fire . It's such a upbeat song and so infectious, I was so touched. We were all dancing in the room whilst having discussions about confrontational wordage that instantly makes people defensive, even if you're rightly  addressing something wrong they did. I.E y ou always ... Or you didn't , You statements makes people defensive and tune out. But "I" makes things more neutral ground. I feel like you didn't listen to me ...." I'm not sure why I've added all that. back on topic,  3 people to...

Today will be my last day in the partial hospitalization program. I actually really enjoyed the program and met some truly amazing people, people with incredible stories. A newer person's story just recently touched me, shes been through hell and back. It's hard to digest that I've met someone in real life with such an absolutely horrifying story. I will miss the program but I think the other members will actually take my leaving harder, which is odd and kind of flattering. Somehow I've managed to touch all 10 people that have come along in total to the program. I hope they all can recover and live healthy happy lives, truly. I wish people didn't need programs like this, I wish people didn't get suicidal, and morbidly depressed. So today will be my last day and what's next I don't know. I feel like I've learned some things this past week though, some crucial things, thanks to php, and therapy. These people have kind of cracked me a bit and help...

I was so close, but in the end it doesn't even matter. I'm starting to get a bit more anxious about being out and about again. I see people staring at me again, a lot. Someone partially widened their eyes the other day when they seen me, and then tried playing it off as if that was just their face. My plantar fasciitis acting up again, I've ripped pants beyond repair. There are oddly still people rooting for me.

Yesterday I was on the borderline of having nervous breakdown in the morning.I think partially that is due to the fact that two days  I started a new dosage of one of my depression medications. But I took it wrong, I was going to switch from  80mg to 120mg but accidentally took 200, so I took both. The the day after I took literally 0 medications, so yesterday I was feeling erratic. I literally wanted to die at times, I was emotional, crying, felt like my skin was crawling like I had to move. Then finally it moved on after I did take my medication and started listening to a podcast and slept All day. I just kept sleeping and sleeping. I woke up to eat some pizza and went back to bed . Today I'm feeling unsure, I'm kind of feeling  like one of those former sports players who's lost all their glory.  I don't like to say that  I've lost weight outloud. I'm on my own