Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am   already doing or taking. They listed medications   such a s Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development. I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they ...

Then came the curve ball. No I do not have thyroid cancer, remember my camping trip, the one I went on with my friend Nick and Melissa. Well during that trip I mention that earlier morning she got sick and they rushed off to the hospital, they thought it was her tonsils. Turns out she has thyroid cancer. I was pretty blow away by the news, she is a dear friend and although thyroid cancer is quite curable it is nevertheless cancer, as things like radiation and chemotherapy could be in her future. She is scheduled for surgery as soon as Monday. It  hasn't fully set in, and the fear of it has not fully hit me, which  is probably good, maybe I can sort through my feelings, sort through the situation, sort through the condition and facts now, before the anxiety and mounds of emotion come into play, maybe it will lessen whatever effect it will all have on me. This news comes a day after another friend informed me he had just found out his uncle died, but he been dead two weeks and...

I lost a decent 2.4 pounds. This week I weigh 442.6 pounds, (previously 445.0) in spite of my sodium in take it appears my it was no match for the effect of taking in such low calories. This week I'm going to try to do better across the board, no more slacking with the water either. I'm going to clean my room this week. I'm going to try to make this a week of clarity, reflect, think and write. Maybe even draw, we will see.

I think the time zone is irrelevant. It's early, and I have I not been to sleep. My sleep lately has been quite poor. Weight-in  in just a few hours really, and I anticipate another gain. It's been a week of low calories and  high sodium, which seems to always result in gain. My calorie intake has been almost criminally low, and the sodium, criminally high, so I guess if I try to be rational (try) this results in water retention, which I seem be pretty prone too anyways. I'm normally great about drinking my 64oz of water a day but this past week it has been a mediocre effort. . I've been dealing with my depression, or really not dealing with it. It's dealing with me, or I don't know, I have homework for therapy, that I find to exhausting to start to do, I honestly don't remember what it is. I have these sheets somewhere, but I don't want to find them to find out. I actually haven't done homework for therapy in awhile, I always forget or just can...