Body Dymorphic Disorder

I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am  already doing or taking. They listed medications  such as Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development.

I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they live etc.

I have an obsession with a YouTube personality that goes by mazzi maz, it's quite unusual. What I find most appealing about him is his style, I think future-self/ideal me would be modeled a lot after him, but other than that, I don't too much care for him. I dont find his videos funny or entertaining, I do like the fact that he is the lead singer of a rock band (tho not a great one), but other than that I just don't find him very interesting, but I like his style, and his weight. I find myself checking his Twitter, but more often his Instagram, which is full of tons of very self-indulgent selfies , that even if I were to ever get to his weight, I'm not sure I would take. Find myself strolling through his Instagram every few days,  looking at his outfits, the hair and pondering what my life could be like if I looked like this. Of course mazzi maz isn't the only person I do this to, but he is by far the frequent.

I've mentioned the photo issue in the past, months ago I mention I blacked out my profile picture on Facebook because I couldn't stand seeing my face, I also couldn't stand the idea of so many others seeing my face either. My profile picture is still that of what appears to be either rock or some planets surface, I don't know. I can't bare to look at pictures of myself for longer than a few seconds, specially ones where I'm smiling or doing something, or my entire body is shown. Full body pictures send me into a internalized  shame-filled hate/rage spiral.

When I first started this journey I used to always look in the mirror to see if I was losing weight because I always felt like I lost weight in my face first, but this time that didn't happen, seemed like every time  I looked into the mirror, I just seen my round face, my quadruple chins, my pudgy cheeks. As time went on, looking in the mirror became a bigger issue as I would start telling myself not only do things not look slimmer, but that they look about as bad as they did many years ago, than it gets to a point when an anxiety builds and I have to force myself away from the mirror because I just feel gross.

My therapist tells me it's because of this disorder that I can't seem to appreciate any accompliments I've made over the course of this journey.