Body Dymorphic Disorder

I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am  already doing or taking. They listed medications  such as Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development.

I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they live etc.

I have an obsession with a YouTube personality that goes by mazzi maz, it's quite unusual. What I find most appealing about him is his style, I think future-self/ideal me would be modeled a lot after him, but other than that, I don't too much care for him. I dont find his videos funny or entertaining, I do like the fact that he is the lead singer of a rock band (tho not a great one), but other than that I just don't find him very interesting, but I like his style, and his weight. I find myself checking his Twitter, but more often his Instagram, which is full of tons of very self-indulgent selfies , that even if I were to ever get to his weight, I'm not sure I would take. Find myself strolling through his Instagram every few days,  looking at his outfits, the hair and pondering what my life could be like if I looked like this. Of course mazzi maz isn't the only person I do this to, but he is by far the frequent.

I've mentioned the photo issue in the past, months ago I mention I blacked out my profile picture on Facebook because I couldn't stand seeing my face, I also couldn't stand the idea of so many others seeing my face either. My profile picture is still that of what appears to be either rock or some planets surface, I don't know. I can't bare to look at pictures of myself for longer than a few seconds, specially ones where I'm smiling or doing something, or my entire body is shown. Full body pictures send me into a internalized  shame-filled hate/rage spiral.

When I first started this journey I used to always look in the mirror to see if I was losing weight because I always felt like I lost weight in my face first, but this time that didn't happen, seemed like every time  I looked into the mirror, I just seen my round face, my quadruple chins, my pudgy cheeks. As time went on, looking in the mirror became a bigger issue as I would start telling myself not only do things not look slimmer, but that they look about as bad as they did many years ago, than it gets to a point when an anxiety builds and I have to force myself away from the mirror because I just feel gross.

My therapist tells me it's because of this disorder that I can't seem to appreciate any accompliments I've made over the course of this journey.


  1. hi! cognitive behavioral therapy is definitely NOT the same as meeting weekly with a therapist, unless you are specifically learning that technique there. it's a set of very specific (and deceptively easy) skills that help you "re-wire" your brain. like anything else, it takes practice, and the more you do it, the easier it will be. the research shows that you if you alter your thinking through these skills, you can actually make new neural pathways-- which is a fancy way of saying that you can tell your inner critic to give it a rest, and live more peacefully. big hugs to you!

    1. You're right, but it is something we've have been practicing pretty much since the beginning that I have not taken to very well to if I'm being honest. It's really quite hard to reframe ones thinking. The mantra from the start as been "im willing to make changes in my life" and we changes it just last week to " "I'm willing to make changes in my thinking" because that's where the biggest issue lies.

      Hugs right back at ya!


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