Weight In: This Isn't A Victory

Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday

Calories 4,145

Sodium 12,342


Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm  just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending.

I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I have as many personal battles within now, as I did before I started this journey. Things were supposed to get better! A year ago I was blissfully ignorant and naive. I didn't have high blood pressure, some weird skin thing, I didn't have a vitamin D deficiency,  or major depressive disorder. At least, not officially, and best of all I got to eat away my problems! I've been battling myself on this journey since the start, second guessing every step, and I think it's high time to admit it, that I'm not going to beat obesity!

So where does this leave me, no where. I'm left with nothing. I can't bare to wait X amount of years to see results, and I can only last a few months of binge emotional eating before the delusion wears off, and the depression takes over. I am doomed

Comments

  1. I think you should read this blog entry to your therapist, so you can get a bit of perspective.

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  2. I think you should share this entry and yesterday's entry with your therapist. Anonymous has a good suggestion.

    For how many years have you been using food as an emotional tool? Your whole life nearly is my guess. Me too. It's the battle we face, and the battle we can win but a battle is not won in a day. Stopping the emotion in it is hard but doable.

    You lost four pounds. That is excellent! Any time the scale moves downward is excellent! If you lost four pounds a week, that's 208 a year. If you lose 2 pounds a week, that's 104. Those are excellent numbers! This is not failure. You are trying to make changes that you can maintain for the rest of your life. It isn't easy and it is emotional. All of this is a healing process. You are not instantly healed. You have to learn how to navigate the path to get to the end, and this is just part of the process. And weight loss that is too fast can cause gobs of health problems.

    I think another thing you could look at is taking the qualifiers off of food. I say that knowing that I do the same thing. Some things are good, some things are bad, and when I indulge in the bad I beat myself up horribly. But pizza isn't inherently bad. Too much pizza over long periods of time is, but the issue isn't the pizza. It's the overindulgence for long periods of time. I am very emotional about food and am trying to take a lot of that out of the equation.

    Brandon, I'm proud of you. You should be proud of you. 490 is better than 510. Break this up into smaller goals. Lose ten more pounds and celebrate. Lose five and treat yourself to a movie. Celebrate every accomplishment. They are worth it.
    You should be allowed treats and special occasions. I understand the struggle to keep them as treats, to have them occasionally.

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    1. I wish so dearly that I could just turn off this self hate of mine, I lost weight, I'm moving in the right direction, but I just fight myself. I'm going to trying to change this.

      Thank you!

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  3. Brandon, congrats on your 4 pounds of weight loss! That is great.
    I have felt the way you describe before. I understand. How you live is your choice. I beleive that you will choose to continue your journey, but I will stay tuned as a supporter of your accomplishments, not your demise.
    The suggestion of breaking up your goal is very important. Anybody would feel defeated if they were considering taking on a large, dreaded task. Break that task up into baby steps and you'll find your baby steps naturally start holding a bigger stride. Celebrate your success any time, even if it's congratulating yourself that you only binged one day instead of two. Everything counts. Everything. - Lea G

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    1. Thank you Lea. And you are right.

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    2. :) I didn't point out, but could have, that I speak from experience. I have an old blog if you ever want to check it out. I think it's under LeasLosinIt.blogspot.com ..but I forgot the password & can't access it any longer. I need to start a new one but for now just troll around other motivating ones like yours. :)

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    3. I checked it out, I like it! You should start blogging again for sure, make a new one. It would be nice to have someone new to follow along to.

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  4. Well, what a load of baloney. You CAN beat this, if you want to. You have to make the choice to make your life better. It is NOT all about the weight, remember? Your legs hurting, your body hurting from standing, from moving? You yourself talked about how bad you have felt for so many years (so, depression and such was clearly there and has been for a long time.)

    I could go on, but I won't. Big or small, fat or thin, tall or short, young or old, you will ALWAYS have issues to deal with and challenges to face, and sometimes you are simply going to lose the game. It happens. Life happens. Life is not some sort of fairy tale where everyone lives happily ever after if they just get their one thing they're chasing.

    If you choose to stay obese, you will still have every single challenge - and eating what you want won't change that. New ones will come. Most likely scary and painful ones too.

    If you choose to make your health better and lose weight, you will BEAT some of the challenges you face now, but yes, you will end up finding new ones.

    Basically, you have two bumpy roads ahead of you when you think about sticking with the good habits or the bad ones, neither one is easy, but each has their payoffs. 1) You get to eat what you want and feel worse and worse, or 2) You choose to be healthy, lose weight, and face what life could actually be like when you fight for it.

    You don't have to be thin, you just have to be better. You need to do better for yourself, no one else. This is about you. Think of all the things in the world open to you? Life is NOT food. Life is NOT weight. Food is a tool, and weight is something that can get in your way but can be overcome.

    So, two things:

    The first is that you need to ask yourself what you would do if you could do anything. If you were healthy right now, what would your life look like? Would you be in college? Writing? Something else? Where would you live? What would you go do on the weekends? How about 10 years from now, what does that look like?

    Whatever your answers are, those are all goals. You can start making them happen NOW. Everything is a journey, so HOW do you get there to what you imagined? Because it's there, it's open to you. It CAN happen.

    The second thing is that you need to realize you have NOT been eating healthy. You, yourself have said that even the low calorie days aren't days where you've made the correct choices. You're not feeding yourself properly to lose this weight, you're abusing yourself with the food, whether it's eating too much or depriving yourself of it. Your goal here is to develop a healthy relationship to food. When you start to figure that out, the weight naturally follows. What you're doing right now? Well, no wonder you feel awful. Would you treat your nephews this way? If you had a child, would you feed them or deny feeding them this way? If the answer is no, THAT IS YOUR ANSWER.

    I absolutely agree, you need to show this post to your therapist so they can help you sort out what you're feeling. And maybe they can also get you an appointment with a nutritionist? (I don't remember, was that something that was coming?)

    You are better than this. I have seen it. YOU have seen it. We all have down and weak moments. We all have times where we think we should just give up and go with the flow. But when the flow is to an unhealthy place, THAT IS WHEN YOU SWIM. Time to start swimming.

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    Replies
    1. Kyra I'm going to write a post about thing 1 in the future. And you're so right about thing 2, I feel like I've become manic at weight loss, with mine, I've had some dangerous days, and weeks because the little I was eating, and the even smaller nutrition I got from it. I know I need to think, and act rationally for this to work long term, but I want it gone so bad that bad seems good, and good seems bad. I'm trying to get it together.

      Thank you so much Kyra.

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    2. I have complete faith in you that you will figure it out. It's NOT easy. We all make a ton of mistakes. But there are so many other things to fill your journey up with along the way, too. Those things are just as worth fighting for. :)

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  5. Brandon, I read this post yesterday and I have been thinking about it. This is what jumped out at me:
    "I truly realized how much I miss food freedom"
    See, I think that food has been your prison cell and you will be going right back.
    One thing that I have noticed in life is that anything worthwhile requires effort.
    You have received some great advice from other readers and I am hoping you will apply some of it.

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  6. Hi Brandon, hope your day is going better for you. I can relate on how hard it is to stay in a positive place mentally about weight loss when you have a lot of weight to lose but like me I know deep down you know you can't ever have the health and freedom you want if you don't keep trying. Giving up some of the comfort food brings is super hard but only having food and nothing else in life is not going to make us happy either. Losing 4 pounds is awesome. You have already come a long way and you will only feel better as time goes on and you lose more weight. Please don't give up on yourself. God loves you Brandon and you have followers here that truly care about you and want you to succeed. You deserve happiness and a good life so please don't stop reaching for your goals.
    Jeanette

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Jeanette, you are so right. I know there is only one way to get the life I want, and that's to lose weight. But I need to be reasonable.

      As always thank you so much for your kind words.

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  7. Hi Brandon, I am really concerned about you. Hoping that you check in soon.

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    Replies
    1. I'm concerned as well. Brandon, even if you don't feel up to dieting right now, maybe just continue to blog. You express yourself so well and we can still be supportive.

      Wishing you all the best.

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    2. Thinking of you and missing reading your posts.
      Jeanette

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  8. Worrying about you too Brandon. If you're not posting because you're ashamed of binging or something, please check in so we know you're ok.

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  9. Thinking about you, Brandon, and feeling worried. Please be kind to yourself.

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  10. I'm so sorry for leaving you guys in the dark. I'm okay. I have survived the week and my head is a lot more leveled than before.

    -big bear hugs to you all-

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