It's been a pretty rough week, I had a lot of emotional battles that I sometimes lost. I feel a way I can't describe. This whole week I've had fast food, Taco Bell twice, KFC, Canes, and Chipotle. I told myself the journey was over, but somehow I remained incredibly conscious and cautious of the places I chose to eat at. I wanted to be destructed, but ended  up being quite tame. The most I took in on a single day was 2,500 calories, and that was Monday, a day I had no fast food, every day since has been lower. I've been bothered by it. I wanted to revert back to the old me, and eat recklessly everyday, but that didn't happen.

There is a part of me that wouldn't give up completely, it whispered in my ear like Jiminy Cricket, steering me clear if making the worst decisions possible. I could have had pizza everyday this week, Pizza Hut has a new dipper pizza, and Little Cesar's has a deep dish bacon wrapped (literally whole bacon wrapped around the crust) pepperoni pizza. They were options, just not ones my conscience would let me live with. But why not? A part of me knew that I would have to come back to my senses I guess, even though those senses seemed to have gotten lost in a million-block Rubix Cube.

I regret leaving you guys in the dark, and I apologize. I'm sure plenty of you are sick of my defeatist nature (have I said that before? Déjà vu?), I want to thank all of you for your supportive feedback in my absence, and being patient with me. It's wonderful to know you all care so much. I'm just having a hard time accepting things, I had therapy Wednesday and it was just hard. My therapist keeps saying things like "you choose to let yourself be hurt by the looks, and what people say""you are allowing yourself to care too much of what other people think", and then it's just like I am battling her on that. I become emotionally exhausted because my first reaction is to reject the very idea that I even have control over it, but there is also a part of me simultaneously trying to accept the notion, but I won't allow it. It's like I'm battle her and myself at once.

We also talked about the fact that I won't let myself enjoy anything, and like many of you she mentioned cutting my goals down, and making smaller, more reasonable ones (I think she suggested this before as well ). Ironically, small seems so insignificant in this sense, when you're this big. She's been trying to tell me (like many of you) that there have been results, but that I refuse them, or lie to myself that there isn't. She made me write down a pros and cons list, from the prospective of a third party on what my results have been.

Here's what I came up with

-My most recent visit with my doctor showed that my blood pressure was finally in normal range.

-I lost 4 pounds this very week

-This very week I discovered my second button up shirt I own fits better than ever, and for the first time can sit with it on, while its bottomed up completely

-A constrictive white shirt I used to hate wearing now fits comfortably.

-Friends and family have mentioned they see changes

I also filled her in on my weekend, she read all my posts leading to Monday. She was proud of me that I initially was going to compromise a bit with the journey, cutting off my constrictions. She also noted that it was a good thing that I initially enjoyed myself and the pizza. Then she had me make a pros and cons list of quitting and continuing my journey.

Pros
Eat whenever I want
No restrictions
No guilt for eating things
No more lying to myself about a new life
Comfort myself with binge eating

Cons
Gain all weight back, plus more
Continue being hideous
Deteriorating health
Letting down my mom
Letting down the people that follow my blog

I initially told her I was happy with the pros, and that my journey was officially over, we ran out of time, but that's what we ended on. Apparently I was lying to myself again. I feel like this past week mirrors a few months ago, right before I started work, I had given up for all of two days, and snapped back. The crash after the fall is rough, but there is another crash as your getting back up, back to reality, and that one is scary. It's the  fear this repeating, falling once more, so I'd rather not even continue and risk it, does that make any sense? I think a while back I mentioned this journey was going to be a bumpy ride, I think I just drove over another pot-hole, but the wheels continue to spin.

I'm realizing that the hardest part of this journey for me so far has been mental. I have to learn to reward myself, and acknowledge my accomplishments. To allow myself to enjoy progress. We're still on a bit of a rocky road. I'm not sure what my approach is at the moment. Let's see how the week, and weekend conclude.

Comments

  1. Soooooo... happy to know that you are OK Brandon. very few things in life run on a straight continuum. as you say, a pothole but the trip continues! I am so proud of you.

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  2. Glad you're doing ok, and YAY for working with the therapist. :) You know, I'm someone who has issues with the wanting the big goals and not being happy with the little ones when it comes to weight. But something I did was create a sheet where I wrote down all the numbers between where I am and where I want to be, and then I get to cross off them as I get past them. I got to cross one off today. So, maybe that's a lot of numbers, but what if you did that for the next 100 lbs, and taped it somewhere (mine is on the bathroom wall.) It's seeing the little goals with one of the bigger one at the end as part of the little goals at the same time, a sort of compromise? Just an idea.

    I am NOT even going to look up what a dipping pizza is. That sounds very dangerous to me (even if there are no pizza huts out here anymore, really.) It sounds like you did awesome! Seriously, you didn't give up, and that's a big deal. Deep down, you want something more, and you know it. That kinda rocks, you know?

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    Replies
    1. It does kinda rock, doesn't it!?

      I absolutely love that idea with the numbers, I'm going todo it!

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  3. First off - I'm glad you're back.
    Second - you ARE NOT hideous. I know you are referring to your physical state, but here's the thing...I only know you thru a computer and even from here I can see the beauty that is you. And yes I have seen your pictures - and no I still don't think you are hideous in any way shape or form.
    Finally - the only con is letting yourself down. We don't matter - even your Mom doesn't matter (sorry all the Mom's out there but it's true). It is your life - the only person you need to worry about letting down is you. We all will still love you no matter what path you chose.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you very much, I have some rather severe body image issues I need to work on. I think I'm getting back on track though.

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  4. This is an excellent post. That fighter is still in there. He comes out in every other sentence and maybe you can't see him yet, but we can.

    I'm glad you posted all this. I'm glad you are still thinking. I'm glad that you are being very open and raw right now. This is hard and you are fighting. It feels like flailing but truly, you've got your fists up and you are giving it hell. Don't give up. Please don't.

    Also, hideous my ass. Don't ever use that word again. Try this - only say the positive things. Twist it around. Instead of saying, "don't spill your milk," say, "keep the milk in the cup." So for you, I'd suggest this: don't say, "I've got x number of pounds still to lose," say, "I've lost x number of pounds!" Totally different feel and it changes your thinking. Speak your life, not your death.

    Glad you are back, man. Stick around.

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    Replies
    1. I certainly plan to stick around, and thank you. I sometimes do feel a little bubbly when I think of what I have lost already, but then bury it away, I'm going to try holding on to that sense of achievement.

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