It's been a pretty rough week, I had a lot of emotional battles that I sometimes lost. I feel a way I can't describe. This whole week I've had fast food, Taco Bell twice, KFC, Canes, and Chipotle. I told myself the journey was over, but somehow I remained incredibly conscious and cautious of the places I chose to eat at. I wanted to be destructed, but ended up being quite tame. The most I took in on a single day was 2,500 calories, and that was Monday, a day I had no fast food, every day since has been lower. I've been bothered by it. I wanted to revert back to the old me, and eat recklessly everyday, but that didn't happen.
There is a part of me that wouldn't give up completely, it whispered in my ear like Jiminy Cricket, steering me clear if making the worst decisions possible. I could have had pizza everyday this week, Pizza Hut has a new dipper pizza, and Little Cesar's has a deep dish bacon wrapped (literally whole bacon wrapped around the crust) pepperoni pizza. They were options, just not ones my conscience would let me live with. But why not? A part of me knew that I would have to come back to my senses I guess, even though those senses seemed to have gotten lost in a million-block Rubix Cube.
I regret leaving you guys in the dark, and I apologize. I'm sure plenty of you are sick of my defeatist nature (have I said that before? Déjà vu?), I want to thank all of you for your supportive feedback in my absence, and being patient with me. It's wonderful to know you all care so much. I'm just having a hard time accepting things, I had therapy Wednesday and it was just hard. My therapist keeps saying things like "you choose to let yourself be hurt by the looks, and what people say", "you are allowing yourself to care too much of what other people think", and then it's just like I am battling her on that. I become emotionally exhausted because my first reaction is to reject the very idea that I even have control over it, but there is also a part of me simultaneously trying to accept the notion, but I won't allow it. It's like I'm battle her and myself at once.
We also talked about the fact that I won't let myself enjoy anything, and like many of you she mentioned cutting my goals down, and making smaller, more reasonable ones (I think she suggested this before as well ). Ironically, small seems so insignificant in this sense, when you're this big. She's been trying to tell me (like many of you) that there have been results, but that I refuse them, or lie to myself that there isn't. She made me write down a pros and cons list, from the prospective of a third party on what my results have been.
Here's what I came up with
-My most recent visit with my doctor showed that my blood pressure was finally in normal range.
-I lost 4 pounds this very week
-This very week I discovered my second button up shirt I own fits better than ever, and for the first time can sit with it on, while its bottomed up completely
-A constrictive white shirt I used to hate wearing now fits comfortably.
-Friends and family have mentioned they see changes
I also filled her in on my weekend, she read all my posts leading to Monday. She was proud of me that I initially was going to compromise a bit with the journey, cutting off my constrictions. She also noted that it was a good thing that I initially enjoyed myself and the pizza. Then she had me make a pros and cons list of quitting and continuing my journey.
Pros
Eat whenever I want
No restrictions
No guilt for eating things
No more lying to myself about a new life
Comfort myself with binge eating
Cons
Gain all weight back, plus more
Continue being hideous
Deteriorating health
Letting down my mom
Letting down the people that follow my blog
I regret leaving you guys in the dark, and I apologize. I'm sure plenty of you are sick of my defeatist nature (have I said that before? Déjà vu?), I want to thank all of you for your supportive feedback in my absence, and being patient with me. It's wonderful to know you all care so much. I'm just having a hard time accepting things, I had therapy Wednesday and it was just hard. My therapist keeps saying things like "you choose to let yourself be hurt by the looks, and what people say", "you are allowing yourself to care too much of what other people think", and then it's just like I am battling her on that. I become emotionally exhausted because my first reaction is to reject the very idea that I even have control over it, but there is also a part of me simultaneously trying to accept the notion, but I won't allow it. It's like I'm battle her and myself at once.
We also talked about the fact that I won't let myself enjoy anything, and like many of you she mentioned cutting my goals down, and making smaller, more reasonable ones (I think she suggested this before as well ). Ironically, small seems so insignificant in this sense, when you're this big. She's been trying to tell me (like many of you) that there have been results, but that I refuse them, or lie to myself that there isn't. She made me write down a pros and cons list, from the prospective of a third party on what my results have been.
Here's what I came up with
-My most recent visit with my doctor showed that my blood pressure was finally in normal range.
-I lost 4 pounds this very week
-This very week I discovered my second button up shirt I own fits better than ever, and for the first time can sit with it on, while its bottomed up completely
-A constrictive white shirt I used to hate wearing now fits comfortably.
-Friends and family have mentioned they see changes
I also filled her in on my weekend, she read all my posts leading to Monday. She was proud of me that I initially was going to compromise a bit with the journey, cutting off my constrictions. She also noted that it was a good thing that I initially enjoyed myself and the pizza. Then she had me make a pros and cons list of quitting and continuing my journey.
Pros
Eat whenever I want
No restrictions
No guilt for eating things
No more lying to myself about a new life
Comfort myself with binge eating
Cons
Gain all weight back, plus more
Continue being hideous
Deteriorating health
Letting down my mom
Letting down the people that follow my blog
I initially told her I was happy with the pros, and that my journey was officially over, we ran out of time, but that's what we ended on. Apparently I was lying to myself again. I feel like this past week mirrors a few months ago, right before I started work, I had given up for all of two days, and snapped back. The crash after the fall is rough, but there is another crash as your getting back up, back to reality, and that one is scary. It's the fear this repeating, falling once more, so I'd rather not even continue and risk it, does that make any sense? I think a while back I mentioned this journey was going to be a bumpy ride, I think I just drove over another pot-hole, but the wheels continue to spin.
I'm realizing that the hardest part of this journey for me so far has been mental. I have to learn to reward myself, and acknowledge my accomplishments. To allow myself to enjoy progress. We're still on a bit of a rocky road. I'm not sure what my approach is at the moment. Let's see how the week, and weekend conclude.
