Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I reckon it's time I finally discuss the big misery topic I've been so vague about the last few weeks. It's pretty much come full circle now, after a lifetime wait I decided to address it. First in therapy, then to two select friends (not the two you might think), and just recently with my mom. Now I suppose I will here. Obviously it took me a very long time to get to this point, but in the past few months I truly realized I wasn't going to truly be happy  or make any real progress in terms of my mental health if I kept having to repress who I was around other people, if I couldn't just be myself a little bit more. I started truly realizing how much these things mattered. It's hard enough masking your emotions  but masking a whole part of your identity puts an incredible strain on your life, and might be why my depression tends to yoyo so dramatically. Perhaps those days are behind me because finally at 28 I'm ready to be myself, be brave, be honest ...

I went to see my doctor today, it's time to redo a lot of my lab work, also I need to start doing the labs for the kidney specialist. The doctor greets me with a congratulations she says I see you hit the 200 mark on our scale.  I wasn't sure at all what she was even talking about so  curiously I replied,  200?  Suddenly thinking "does she somehow think I'm 200 freaking pounds?!" which  would have given me a devastating amount of anxiety having to clear up that I'm, in fact,  not 200 lbs all of a sudden, but still well into 300s. However she says,   you've lost 200 lbs see , she moves a computer monitor that shows my highest recorded weight of 567, and todays of 367. It was a perfectly even 200, she goes on to say well you've probably lost more on your scale , ironically or not, no, because I've only been going by the date I knew my exact weight which wasn't until last year, but I always say I think I reached the border of or just over 600 off ...

So right away I gained weight this week, an even 2lbs to be exact. Last week was tangled in terms of overall eating, I stayed within calories but then there were days when I had unusual things like a flat-bread pizza that wasn't at all geared to the healthy side of things, I had Chinese food for the first time in over a year last Tuesday, and it's just been a mixed bag of questionable little additions that I know I should probably avoid but then didn't like Reese cups when I'm at my friends . There was no exercising so that didn't help either, I'm actually in a very poor place with this gain, not that I've ever taken a gain particularly well regardless of the circumstance. I just see numbers going up and I immediately feel like I'm failing, and see the goal weight slipping further away, and of course my depression monster has been taking its multivitamins  and is ready to skewer every thought in my head! Worse is it's all my fault, I know I jus...