200 Lbs Down

I went to see my doctor today, it's time to redo a lot of my lab work, also I need to start doing the labs for the kidney specialist. The doctor greets me with a congratulations she says I see you hit the 200 mark on our scale. I wasn't sure at all what she was even talking about so  curiously I replied, 200? Suddenly thinking "does she somehow think I'm 200 freaking pounds?!" which  would have given me a devastating amount of anxiety having to clear up that I'm, in fact,  not 200 lbs all of a sudden, but still well into 300s. However she says,  you've lost 200 lbs see, she moves a computer monitor that shows my highest recorded weight of 567, and todays of 367. It was a perfectly even 200, she goes on to say well you've probably lost more on your scale, ironically or not, no, because I've only been going by the date I knew my exact weight which wasn't until last year, but I always say I think I reached the border of or just over 600 off the record.

I'm not really sure what any of this means. I was looking at that picture of me earlier which I'm sure is of me at my highest weight, at my nephew Jaedyns 2nd birthday party, I've shown it here before. I feel so weird about things like this (things being supposed milestones), and I never really want to share because I don't want anyone to feel obligated to give congratulatory  praises. When I genuinely don't know if it's as big of a deal coming from me. My stomach isn't flat yet, and neither is my troublesome chest.



Today I had only one clean shirt to wear, a recent 4x shirt given to me that was suppose to be 6x. I had no choice but to wear it, It fit, but barely, naturally I hated and felt extremely self conscious in it, the lighter shade of brown really seemed to bring out every bulge and ripple.



I think finding out that I've lost 200 (at least) on a week I've gained is supposed to be a silver lining but I just can't seem to get my head on. I'm starting to fear I may be broke or damaged in some way that I can never un-see myself in the way that I've  been for so long, no matter how low the numbers go.  Or worse that maybe I really do look exactly the same despite the fact that I'm actually losing according to the scale... most times. Mental health wise this is a lose lose


Comments

  1. Well I think 200 lbs down is amazing. And you look very very different.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Natalie, I'm going to try to start having more perspective about these things. 200 certainly is a lot, it seems the visual aspect is blocked in my head. I've come a long way and really need to acknowledge that.

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