200 Lbs Down

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I went to see my doctor today, it's time to redo a lot of my lab work, also I need to start doing the labs for the kidney specialist. The doctor greets me with a congratulations she says I see you hit the 200 mark on our scale. I wasn't sure at all what she was even talking about so  curiously I replied, 200? Suddenly thinking "does she somehow think I'm 200 freaking pounds?!" which  would have given me a devastating amount of anxiety having to clear up that I'm, in fact,  not 200 lbs all of a sudden, but still well into 300s. However she says,  you've lost 200 lbs see, she moves a computer monitor that shows my highest recorded weight of 567, and todays of 367. It was a perfectly even 200, she goes on to say well you've probably lost more on your scale, ironically or not, no, because I've only been going by the date I knew my exact weight which wasn't until last year, but I always say I think I reached the border of or just over 600 off the record.

I'm not really sure what any of this means. I was looking at that picture of me earlier which I'm sure is of me at my highest weight, at my nephew Jaedyns 2nd birthday party, I've shown it here before. I feel so weird about things like this (things being supposed milestones), and I never really want to share because I don't want anyone to feel obligated to give congratulatory  praises. When I genuinely don't know if it's as big of a deal coming from me. My stomach isn't flat yet, and neither is my troublesome chest.



Today I had only one clean shirt to wear, a recent 4x shirt given to me that was suppose to be 6x. I had no choice but to wear it, It fit, but barely, naturally I hated and felt extremely self conscious in it, the lighter shade of brown really seemed to bring out every bulge and ripple.



I think finding out that I've lost 200 (at least) on a week I've gained is supposed to be a silver lining but I just can't seem to get my head on. I'm starting to fear I may be broke or damaged in some way that I can never un-see myself in the way that I've  been for so long, no matter how low the numbers go.  Or worse that maybe I really do look exactly the same despite the fact that I'm actually losing according to the scale... most times. Mental health wise this is a lose lose


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