Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I mentioned that I fasted in the last post. Totalled out to 35+ hours. Fasting is such a relief because I don’t have to worry about calories, or if this or that food is good or bad. I get to be free of the food burden. The problem comes after the fast ends and eating feels like a crime. Every single thing seems like too much. This isn’t exclusive to post-fast. It’s a something I experience anytime I’m trying to lose weight. It’s as if Ive completely lost the concept of  “appropriate amount” sometimes. It’s either I’m eating too much or too little. I find that middle ground when I’m less invested but soon as I’m into it, boom, this problem rears it’s head. This isn’t a de-railing problem (currently), but it causes me anxiety anytime I think of eating. 

Times have been interesting. I'm back in the gym, I'm working out more than ever, my eating has stabilized. I'm now going to the gym at night with a buddy who I had not talked to or seen in some time, he's actually gotten me to try out some of the other machines that I was too chicken to try before, so now I'll have even more muscle being worked out. He is also getting into photography and is wanting my help to figure out his new Nikon DSLR, so I'll be helping him out with that and he has a few photo trips in mind for the future I've been invited on. This is all pretty sudden, and promising. My eating has been fine, I still need to smooth out some edges, I had a jumbo honey bun today which was delicious but nutritionally awful. I need to really make sure I'm drinking my water right, now with the increased activity I really haven't been in the zone about this the way I need to be. My mom recently told me she was going to have weight loss surgery...

Recently I unintentionally went through memory lane, and back to my brief time attending university (2011-2012)where my weight, anxiety,  and ADHD made my the experience  miserable. I came across some pictures that easily had me reliving those experiences. I struggled the most academically with math, it's always been tough for me but being in that environment with tons of people, and comically small desks made it impossible for me. I already suspected I had ADHD, but it was yet to be diagnosed, but on top of the anxiety meant that I wasn't hearing anything going on in the class but my own racing thoughts. I always had, and still have this fear of public humiliation (which is why I try not to draw attention to myself), and I was aware that a guy my size squeezing in those desks could quickly become the punchline to someones joke. I made an effort to get to the class early, usually before the professor was even there so that I would never have to make some humiliating walk a...

Ive been home almost a day now, and I'm really trying to take things in. Interestingly I had the worst nights sleep I can recall in nearly a week. I woke up feeling like I had not eaten in months, but had no appetite. I felt drained and like I had no energy at all. I felt literally exhausted, keeping my eyes open felt like a task, looking in any direction felt like a chore. I managed to eat a bowl of cereal, and I feel slightly improved, but not at all back to form. Today mom told me I needed to call wal-mart, I said why? She said to let them know I wont be working there anymore. She seemed a little upset when I informed her I wasn't sure what I was doing yet. I'm torn, today is actually my first pay day, and it feels nice ya know? One of my friends also seen me one of the days I was shadowing, and I'm just kind of worried, people might think I'm a quitter, or I was defeated (and certain family members absolutely will) , and its a hard thing to process, what ...

Work in just a couple of hours, yesterday I did pretty well not to think of it much, but I had moments where I would think about going in today and it would feel like the air was suddenly knocked out of me. I would suddenly breathe hard, almost gasping, and that sinking feeling in my chest and stomach felt like a bottomless pit. Then it would be over.  I just don't want to deal with it all today, but I have to. I do plan on doing a post work update. In about an hour I'm going to have Broccoli for breakfast. I don't want to eat, but my stomach feels completely empty and I'm experiencing legitimate hunger pains. Here's some good news, mom recently bought a new scale online with a weight capacity of 550 pounds, so In a couple weeks I will actually be able to know my current weight. I'm scared and nervous, Ive wanted to know my numbers for a while, but I'm sure what ever it is, it will still be hard accept even though its obvious. Then there is the fear th...

Orientation was today, before I get into that, lets quickly recap yesterday. For Breakfast I had Oatmeal, and two small pieces of sausage. For Lunch I had some variety pretzel snacks and a whipped yogurt. For dinner had a pork chop with spinach and garlic bread. Report Card Diet: Good. I could even say great, but lets not push it. Exercise: N/A. totaled my body with that snow stunt. Water: Good. Sleep: Good. Went to bed shortly after 11, and slept well. Mental Health: Good. Deciding to fight anxiety back was a good move, my head was clear, and the haunting sense of worry and fear only made short-lived appearances. Today I woke up at six, I like to have more time to prepare honestly, and I probably should have been up at 5, just to mentally reset, and prepare my mind. It didn't seem like I had the kind of time I wanted, but before I knew it I was heading out. I made a bag of pretzels to have during breaks, but I forgot them. I arrived at the store with an...

Yesterday for breakfast I decided to eat my 60 calorie pack of carrots, it was my last pack and I just wanted to get them out of the way, and it was terrible, took me forever to eat most of them, and a few went to waste. It didn't do to well for my appetite, so I had an early lunch. For lunch I had a sandwich and some chips. For dinner, I had breakfast. two boiled eggs, two small sausages and a piece of toast. Between lunch and dinner I had a snack, a serving size of low fat cheddar popcorn that's only 35 calories a serving. Report Card Diet: Good. Exercise: Great. I had a bad nights sleep and my body did not have the energy I needed, once I got started with my workout I told myself, before the first mile was up, I could only do the one, and one is better than nothing, but then the first mile went by quicker than expected and I remember I told you guys Id do them no matter what , that kind of bit me in the butt! But I did it, all 3 miles of my multi-muscle walking! Wat...

So by 11AM I was completely prepared, showered, groomed, and dressed. I watched some Simpson's to keep my mind from wandering to the elephant in my mind, but the closer to 12 it got, the more the elephant  became clear. My interview was at 1pm, and I left out around 12:20. The drive there was a quiet one, you could hear all the protons, neutrons and electrons coursing through my body. My mind raced with a million billion thoughts, each more intense than the last. Finally we arrived, it was 12:40, my mom wished me good luck (I did a mental sigh) , I thanked her, and headed inside.   Our Wal-Mart is a super center, so its quite large, I went in, but not before noticing my reflection in the glass doors before entering "not completely horrible" I thought, for some reason. I went straight to the service desk, where there was quite a line, I became nervous and anxious, there were so many people, why where there so many people!? Oh yea, its Wal-Mart. I stood there rememberin...

I went to bed around 11 last night, and I slept well. I'm honestly kind of baffled why going to bed late makes me wake up in pain, but I digress. Of course today it looks horrible outside, wet, and everything is grey, the universe is really feeding into my anxiety. Last night my mom said "I really think we should shave that beard, appearance is everything" , my immediate thought was "well I'm f#!%ed  either way then"   My semi-beard and sideburns distracted from the overall fatness of my face, since I started this journey Ive gone back and forth on whether my face was becoming more toned/defined, well once it was all cut it was clear, there were no changes. My head looks like a balloon, chin looks more doubled than ever. I did have a mini breakdown in the bathroom looking at my less hairy, more fat face, thinking nothing Ive done so far has made an effect ( I really need to get it together, I know ). I will be skipping breakfast, on days when my anxiety is...

As I expected, today's workout was a rough one. I kept telling myself every mile that it was the only one I could do, yet I manged to complete them all. I again didn't incorporate the sitting exercises, I just didn't have it in me and my knee had a bit of a moment. During my workout  there is a point where I have to do quadruple knee lifts for each each knee, and somewhere in there when my leg came down I just got a bit of pain shooting through my knee for a split second. I became a little more careful, but incidentally I feel my knee beginning its Wednesday stiffness already. So tomorrow I'm going to break from doing the walking workout, and just do the sitting exercises, Ive been thinking for a few weeks that I need to make some kind of adjustment mid-week that when my body typically hits a halt. I wish it was already Thursday so that tomorrows interview would already be over, and decided. I do fine in the interviews, I'm able to hide my all my fear, and anxiet...