Crystal Ball

Times have been interesting. I'm back in the gym, I'm working out more than ever, my eating has stabilized. I'm now going to the gym at night with a buddy who I had not talked to or seen in some time, he's actually gotten me to try out some of the other machines that I was too chicken to try before, so now I'll have even more muscle being worked out. He is also getting into photography and is wanting my help to figure out his new Nikon DSLR, so I'll be helping him out with that and he has a few photo trips in mind for the future I've been invited on. This is all pretty sudden, and promising.

My eating has been fine, I still need to smooth out some edges, I had a jumbo honey bun today which was delicious but nutritionally awful. I need to really make sure I'm drinking my water right, now with the increased activity I really haven't been in the zone about this the way I need to be. My mom recently told me she was going to have weight loss surgery, if you recall my aunt had it done last year. We were concerned if she would stick to the strict guild lines one needs to follow to be successful, but she's done it for the most part. Her results are clear. My mom originally  dismissed any idea of weight loss surgery, but when she brought the idea up with my grandmother recently and my grandmother didn't object (like she had with my aunt) my mom took it as maybe a sign she really does need it.

I've noticed my mom has put on weight, her eating habits are poor in spite of my influence. I'm nervous of the idea of her getting the procedure but also I'm excited for just how much better I know she would feel physically. She's been dragging her feet about the subject in the last few weeks, I don't want to bring it up, but I likely will, we recently went to a store and I see just how much it takes out of her and it reminds me of myself years ago.

Somberness, I get these feelings of pervading somberness about the future. Literally at one point today I randomly stopped and a thought came that I was going to have an unfullfilling life even if I made it to goal weight. This wasn't a triggered thought, or olive branch, it just came out of nowhere. I got mild anxiety afterwards, it didn't last long. I would later buy that honeybun. I sometimes get this feeling of where do I go from here? Lately sometimes I actually have questioned if I can continue the weight loss, I truly don't think I have anything to worry about next month, but I haven't been pitch perfect, I haven't been my near iron-willed self, what if I gain again? It's too soon for this and yet here it is. My mind feels like an egg, I just need to crack it and let myself free, but the shell is made out of steel.

What does my future hold, oh crystal ball.


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