Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I didn't blog most of the week as I'm sure you all noticed. I strategically spent my week with friends, knowing I could bury my weight loss journey woes, and also knowing that I'd likely be a bit encouraged to eat more freely, after all the journey was supposedly over. As you've read though, I didn't do much damage, the most damage done from fast food was to my mind. I didn't go walking at the park a single day last week. I spent my days hanging with friends watching movies, and playing games. We had pretty intense Heads Up matches (a modern twist on charades for the iPad) that I was awful at, and then hit it old school for some Battle Mode in Super Mario Bros. 3 for the Super Nintendo, I dominated that one. It was a raging good time. I seen my doctor for my follow up, and found out it's finally under control! She attributed this greatly to the combination of medicine tweaking, and my weight loss, the nurses assistant congratulated me on doing such a goo...

It's been a pretty rough week, I had a lot of emotional battles that I sometimes lost. I feel a way I can't describe. This whole week I've had fast food, Taco Bell twice, KFC, Canes, and Chipotle. I told myself the journey was over, but somehow I remained incredibly conscious and cautious of the places I chose to eat at. I wanted to be destructed, but ended  up being quite tame. The most I took in on a single day was 2,500 calories, and that was Monday, a day I had no fast food, every day since has been lower. I've been bothered by it. I wanted to revert back to the old me, and eat recklessly everyday, but that didn't happen. There is a part of me that wouldn't give up completely, it whispered in my ear like Jiminy Cricket, steering me clear if making the worst decisions possible. I could have had pizza everyday this week, Pizza Hut has a new dipper pizza, and Little Cesar's has a deep dish bacon wrapped  (literally whole bacon wrapped around the crust)...

Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday Calories 4,145 Sodium 12,342 Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm  just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending. I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I hav...

A part of me knew I would end up here, hating myself for being weak. I enjoyed myself this weekend, I really did, I kept telling myself it's okay, you've been at this for months and haven't rarely broken stride. #TreatYoSelf,  indulge, what's a day or two in the grand scheme of things? I just love food so much, it's been a hard journey without it being used as comfort, I think I've only comfort eaten about twice this whole year. Food was always my trusted friend and confidant, and this year I put the breaks on that. I swear I'm the past month it feels like I wasn't living much, because I was eating so boringly. Having pizza this weekend was like an event, I knew it was coming so there was a budding excitement, then watching mom prepare the dough, fix up the sausage, spread on the sauce and other toppings, smelling it cook. It was thrilling. I'm completely and utterly ashamed and disgusted to admit that I enjoyed this more than crossing over ou...

"I'm not really sure how this weekend will effect my weigh in..." Yesterday was a pretty stellar day. Me and my mom decided to have a movie marathon weekend together. We watched a range of different movies, four total. My made her famous homemade pizza, this time, not the healthy turkey meat infused iteration I convinced her to make last time, this time, red meat, actual sausage! I didn't really have breakfast, I snacked on some chips and salsa early though to hold me over until pizza, I was putting all my eggs in that basket, and it did not disappoint. I completely expected to go over my default calorie goal with as much pizza as I had, but after calculations I was just below. Mom cuts her pizza in to small squares, I had 7 pieces total throughout the night. I later snacked on some Doritos, haven't had them in a while, they are my favorite chip, but they didn't quite live up. The best news of all, left overs! Moms pizza always taste better a day or t...