Less Than Fond Memories

Recently I unintentionally went through memory lane, and back to my brief time attending university (2011-2012)where my weight, anxiety,  and ADHD made my the experience  miserable. I came across some pictures that easily had me reliving those experiences.

I struggled the most academically with math, it's always been tough for me but being in that environment with tons of people, and comically small desks made it impossible for me. I already suspected I had ADHD, but it was yet to be diagnosed, but on top of the anxiety meant that I wasn't hearing anything going on in the class but my own racing thoughts. I always had, and still have this fear of public humiliation (which is why I try not to draw attention to myself), and I was aware that a guy my size squeezing in those desks could quickly become the punchline to someones joke. I made an effort to get to the class early, usually before the professor was even there so that I would never have to make some humiliating walk across a full class and have them all watch this huge guy essentially squeeze into the desk-equivalent of a Clown-Car. I always hated test days because the room was quiet and we had to get up and turn it in at the front of the room when we were done.

These were a nightmare for me. Need I say more? I always sat in the right corner clear of everyone since the rows were so comically narrow, I never wanted to accidentally bump into someone, so I isolated myself. Less chance of bringing any kind of attention to myself. (Clearly I'm early)

Another less than fond memory was my usual hangout spot, the lobby area. It had standing-computer terminals, several couch areas, and a low-key table that kept view of the entire area which is where I always set up camp between courses. I was pretty much alone at that table 90 percent of the time, just me and my laptop and some homework. I watched people come and go. Thinner, cooler, more sociable people. I always longed to be in one of the groups where could I tell they were all good friends. I just longed to be in another life.

I remember that brick wall all too well, I liked that there couldn't be anyone walking behind me secretly judging me. I specifically remember taking the far right picture, I felt so indescribable I just needed to take a picture of it to remember, which was something I was doing a lot of around that time. 

It wasn't a good experience, I did meet a few friendly people, but made no actual friends from the experience. I always had the worst anxiety before going in, that only slightly eased once I was there and then may have sky-rocketed depending on which class I was in because I was wondering what bad things the person next, or behind me was thinking of me. In addition I realized that what I was studying for wasn't something I wanted to do anymore(education/teacher).

Now after I lose the weight... If I lose the weight, I'd like to go back. Maybe for something in photography, or writing, or psychology (as ironic as that is). I could be a therapist, who writes and does photography. Who knows what future-self/ideal me could be capable of (I haven't made a reference to FS/IM in a while have I?).


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