The Dust Is Settling

Ive been home almost a day now, and I'm really trying to take things in. Interestingly I had the worst nights sleep I can recall in nearly a week. I woke up feeling like I had not eaten in months, but had no appetite. I felt drained and like I had no energy at all. I felt literally exhausted, keeping my eyes open felt like a task, looking in any direction felt like a chore. I managed to eat a bowl of cereal, and I feel slightly improved, but not at all back to form. Today mom told me I needed to call wal-mart, I said why? She said to let them know I wont be working there anymore. She seemed a little upset when I informed her I wasn't sure what I was doing yet.

I'm torn, today is actually my first pay day, and it feels nice ya know? One of my friends also seen me one of the days I was shadowing, and I'm just kind of worried, people might think I'm a quitter, or I was defeated (and certain family members absolutely will), and its a hard thing to process, what other people think, rationally, shouldn't mean anything in this situation, yet living with the idea of that potential judgement is hard to grasp. Today technically I'm supposed to work at 4-11, and I was thinking of calling and letting them know I'm back in action, and if they haven't filled today's shift maybe Id go in. Why am I torturing myself like this? (there's also the feeling like if I quit I could never show my face there again)

I am suppose to make some calls today to set up some out-patient counseling, meeting with a therapist, and psychiatrist and stuff like that, but the idea of making those calls has my anxiety through the roof, a part of me wants to just forget about it and be done with it, but I'm trying to use some of the coping skills I learned to manage through it.


  1. Put your feelings about work aside. Call them and tell them you were hospitalized, that you have a medical condition, and that you're working with your docs to see if going back will be okay for your health. This is 100% the truth, and you don't need to tell them more than this. Next, call and schedule your follow up appointments, as soon as possible. Tackle one phone call at a time. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. Right now your job is to take care of your health first. I know you're worried about what family members will say, and you're beating yourself up inside-- (there's a saying that what others think of you is none of your business--that is, you can't control other people's thoughts, only your own), so be gentle with yourself, if you can be. We're rooting for you here. Just take it one step at a time.

  2. I also forgot to add: sometimes it takes up to a week for you to feel any effects of the medication at all. Your feeling weird, and not good sleep may be side effects, most of which get better with time. Also remember that it takes a long while to be able to judge the effects of the medication--just one other reason you need to be under the care of a doctor. Getting the right medication at the right dosage is sometimes tricky-- but you're worth it. It took me four medications, tried over several years, to find the one that works best for me. I've been taking that medication for more than 10 years. Twice I've gone off of it, and the symptoms of depression and anxiety returned. I am not happy that it looks like I have to take this medicine forever (I was ashamed I couldn't kick depression by myself)-- but, as my doctor put it: "If you were a diabetic, would you not take your insulin, because you were ashamed of diabetes?" She had a good point!

    1. Anon- just wanted to pipe in here and tell you that my father is someone who had depression and anxiety his whole life, and only started taking something about 15 years ago. He was SHOCKED to feel the difference, and then through trial and error, they figured out that he simply doesn't make the right amount of brain chemicals and whatnot to function naturally without it. He needs the help, he always will, and it's NO failure. It's just biology, and there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about in that!

    2. Anon - Thank you for all the feedback. I certainly have stepped back a bit with my expectations of the medication, I going to give it a couple of weeks and evaluate what changes may be happening along the way. I think the Wal-Mart saga is over though.

  3. I agree with everything Anon said up there. Call on your appointments right away.

    Additionally, let Walmart go. It's bad for you, if you go back and read your own entries, I think you'll see that.

    I also think if you found a more accommodating job, you would have an opposite experience! A paycheck AND no pain, imagine! It's out there, and eventually you'll be ready to hunt it down and get it. But for now? Take care of yourself, ok?

    1. You are right, and I'm going to actually continue to look for work, but work I can actually do. I'm going to do my best to take care of myself.

  4. Definitely make those calls Brandon, one at a time. You want to follow up with out patient care so that things can continue to improve.

    Would Walmart let you take a leave of absence? I know you haven't been there very long but if the injections take hold and your feet feel better soon you may want to go back to work. I wouldn't want you to get more depressed just being at home all the time.

    Take care.



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