The Dust Is Settling
Ive been home almost a day now, and I'm really trying to take things in. Interestingly I had the worst nights sleep I can recall in nearly a week. I woke up feeling like I had not eaten in months, but had no appetite. I felt drained and like I had no energy at all. I felt literally exhausted, keeping my eyes open felt like a task, looking in any direction felt like a chore. I managed to eat a bowl of cereal, and I feel slightly improved, but not at all back to form. Today mom told me I needed to call wal-mart, I said why? She said to let them know I wont be working there anymore. She seemed a little upset when I informed her I wasn't sure what I was doing yet.
I'm torn, today is actually my first pay day, and it feels nice ya know? One of my friends also seen me one of the days I was shadowing, and I'm just kind of worried, people might think I'm a quitter, or I was defeated (and certain family members absolutely will), and its a hard thing to process, what other people think, rationally, shouldn't mean anything in this situation, yet living with the idea of that potential judgement is hard to grasp. Today technically I'm supposed to work at 4-11, and I was thinking of calling and letting them know I'm back in action, and if they haven't filled today's shift maybe Id go in. Why am I torturing myself like this? (there's also the feeling like if I quit I could never show my face there again)
I am suppose to make some calls today to set up some out-patient counseling, meeting with a therapist, and psychiatrist and stuff like that, but the idea of making those calls has my anxiety through the roof, a part of me wants to just forget about it and be done with it, but I'm trying to use some of the coping skills I learned to manage through it.