Im Starting To Feel Whole Again

I'm Starting to feel a bit more like myself today. I woke up,had a bowl of Honey Kix cereal and began cleaning up my room. I still feel rather sluggish or like I'm in slow motion, it took a lot longer than it needed to, but its done and that's what matters. I actually feel a lot better now that it is clean. It just made things feel right, or like I'm getting back on track. You guys made strong points. and after thinking it over, Ive decided that my short time at Wal-Mart has to come to an end. My appointment for out patient counseling (which will set me up with a therapist and things like that) has been set for Thursday of next week. I also hope to return to doing my miles Monday.

A sort of nasty side effect of my hospitalization is that people know now, people in the family, there friends they know I have depression, they know I was suicidal, Ive hidden my poblems for so long that it hard to really take in. My mother told the family, and honestly I for some reason never thought she would, I didn't ask her not to because h simply didn't consider the idea of them knowing. Im not upset with her, the situation was quite stressful for her, and Im sure it helped her cope...

 Anyways, apparently my grandma said a prayer for me in church, which was vague but mentioned I was hospitalized and there were extended family members there who reached out, as well as calls from my brothers, who are incarcerated, but mom managed to tell them. Whats interesting is that, with the exception of my brothers, none of them reached out directly to me (except my aunt from dads side who tried calling the hospital directly, but  its against policy to disclose my even being there via phone, so she had no luck). they are telling things to my mother who relays it to me, and of course I've been analyzing it to the extreme, its sort of just enough so that it appears that they care, but maybe don't.

Earlier while cleaning my room I found that letter that my grandma wrote to me the day I went to get work clothes, I thought I destroyed it or threw it away, but no, its in fine shape, and it just kind of made me sad. That letter really hurt me and came at absolutely the worst time possible, and may have contributed to the near deathly down spiral of my mental state. Ive decided to keep the letter though, and I'm trying to make sense as to why.


Comments

  1. Hugs to you Brandon. I think that you are on the path to a better life. I am glad to know that you are following up on your aftercare.

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  2. I kept a letter I received at 13 from my sister in law that said I should be ashamed at how I looked and it was an embarrassment to my family. I wasn't really heavy (that came later) but I was chubby. If I remember correctly the reason I was even sent the letter was because she was telling me why I wasn't chosen to be in her wedding (my sister was a bridesmaid). The part that haunted me was my parent's silence-no defending me, no reassuring me that it wasn't true. That was 34 years ago...so I can relate to your feelings. Sorry it sucks- just know you aren't alone.

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    Replies
    1. The silence, it is devastating and I know it too well. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Take that letter with you to your therapist. Seriously, it'll help that therapist get an idea of your support (or lack there of) system.

    I think there are people around you who care, but I think it sounds like walking in a minefield. I hope it gets better, and I'm glad you made the choices you did with your job and making the appointments!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kyra. A minefield indeed, and I will be taking that letter, perhaps something good can come of it yet.

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