Guess Who?

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 Look who found his way back 



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Digging Deep To Carry On

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Im back home today, my mother is already gone on her trip to the family barbecue out of town. Yesterday at my friends was particularly emotionally exhausting. My friend got into a trivial argument with his mother on the phone, but she said some truly astonishing things. Things that triggered not just my emotions, but my anxiety and depression. Not just that, but it just ruined the mellow day we were having up until then. Im feeling kind of lost lately. I feel like I'm waiting to stumble upon my purpose. Because I keep getting back to this state where I feel like I have no purpose. I've been really struggling lately. It's amazing how I can be so humongous physically, but so minuscule in the grand scheme of it all. In weight loss news I think I might start back up my lowball calorie intake next week, indefinitely. Although this time the range will be 800-1200. I simple don't care about the side effects. It seems like I won't be satisfied until I'm thin, and the ...
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Fat

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Image
Ever since I was able to identify with the word, it's been a pretty lethal word to me. Ive sometimes used it to describe myself,  I'm sure there's plenty of posts on this blog that back it up. That being said it isn't a term I welcome  or am comfortable with, like I said, it's a lethal word, venomous and painful. I believe when I've used it to refer to myself Ive sub- (or just plain) consciously tried to hurt myself. For some overweight people, the lucky few, the word fat doesn't have such a negative connotation, it's just a word. But for me it's much more powerful than just a word, and I feel like a lot of the overweight can relate to how hurtful, painful, and uncomfortable it can be to hear. I think there is enough fat-shaming going on in the world without the need for it to come from within those affected, easier said I suppose. Because of societies incredible tolerance of fat-shaming, I've learned to hate myself,  and my image because...
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Crash Landing

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Yesterday I suffered a dizzy spell, or episode, like no other. It was after therapy which went swell, I'm really getting a lot out of it, and  lately my emotional state seems overall better balanced than before I sought counseling. Back to the point, I was at home, hours later I was in my room on the computer, resting my back, and my mom told me dinner was done. I finished what I was doing popped up and proceeded to head into the kitchen, but as I made my way towards the doorway of the living room I felt lightheaded, so I stopped to kind of collect myself for a moment. I remember tracing my hands along the framing of the doorway, and the next thing I know I hear my mom yelling and screaming my name, I had completely passed, fainted, whatever you want to call it. I fell backwards hard into the hallway closet door and then to the floor. Apparently as my mom was panicking and yelling my name I was unresponsive and jerking, she described it like  I was having a seizure or stroke...
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