Hospitalized Once Again

I've Spent the last 5 and a half days in a behavioral health facility or psychiatric unit of a hospital after seeing my psychiatrist last Wednesday. In short, I told her I  was suicidal and had a few ideas or plans but lacked the courage for follow-through. This lead to me being taken to the hospital via police transport. For the second time in my life I was in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, but this time it wasn't voluntary. This one was also  quite larger than the last one I had been to, with many more patients.

My anxiety was pretty high the first night, I was talked to by various doctors who often asked the same questions what seemed like hundreds of times, and there was this lingering feeling of shame just for being there. Now once again the entire family would know how unhinged I've been, and I'd much rather a lot of them stay in the dark than to know and continue not to give a crap. It was a lot more structured than the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were groups and meetings everyday. Some seemed designed just to get you out of your room, like the arts and crafts, others actually had you finding ways  to identify when you might be regressing in terms of depression or whatever ails you (obviously not everyone is there for the same reason or condition).

I found that I got along with all the patients, and found as time went on I would develop pretty good connections with some. All stories are not the same, it was really interesting hearing why some people were there, it would give me perspective. I certainly made a few friends early on, who would actually be discharged within a few days of me being there. I would ask them "are you going to be okay?" They would assure me they would be.

I've agreed to an outpatient group program that will start Thursday and go on for thirteen days at the same hospital, it honestly makes me a bit nervous but I'm going to try it out. During my stay I received no visitors and made no phone calls. Though my mom called almost everyday, the "family" was quite worried about me.

So what lead to me downward spiraling so much that I ended up at a such a place (again)? Well I was keeping mum but we lost the internet for awhile, which is why my posts had been so far in-between  the last two months. This was an issue as blogging was a lot more therapeutic than I had really imagined and realized that this is where my biggest support comes from. So when I was cut from this I nosedived into possible  distorted thinking territory, heavily, and feeling a lack of support and the scale yo-yoing, my mind was cracking. Interestingly, the day I went into the Behavioral Health facility I was told it was back on. The day before I went into  the facility I had completed the 4 mile multi-muscle walk for the very first time. Sadly the next 5 days would be completely inactive. More soon.


  1. Brandon, I've been reading your blog since the start. You have the deep, sensitive soul of a writer.
    I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
    All the best to you.

    1. Thank you for following along and showing support I deeply appreciate it. Truly though being hospitalized this last round seems to have been for the best in a fundamental way.


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