Something

This is a methaphor


Well yesterday was just one of those days. There were two silver linings, one, fell asleep shockingly early, and two,  I slept like a baby.

Yesterday I heard my mother on the phone with my relatives from North Carolina, she was saying how much she missed it and how much fun she'd had, but was glad she came back, because I was in "a bad zone again" I was the topic of discussion for a good deal of time. I'm not sure why she bothered to share the information she was sharing, and usually this would bother me a great deal, these people couldn't even be bothered ask about me, but they get to know  how totally messed up I am anyways? Anyways mom was unaware I was listening. Since I was about 15 I've always had a heightened awareness of telephone calls and tend to hone into those conversations, mom often thinks I'm being nosey, but the truth is, ever since my oldest brother called my mom that fateful night, on a high speed car chase fleeing from cops, I've always assumed every time the phone rings, its going to be some kind of traumatic, bad news and I listen in, in anticipation for something I don't want to hear. Who knew a phone call that you didn't directly hear or answer could induce post traumatic stress?

For the first time my so-called therapist had the nerve called me today, she was worried she claimed. She gave me her direct number that I pretended to write down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This haze Will be the end of me if it doesn't end soon. One of the hardest things about this haze is what it has done to my positive thinking, it makes thinking optimistically and positively mentally excruciatingly-exhausting. Every time I've thought I've got to do something about this, it's like I'm suddenly playing an unwinnable match of tug-of-war against a team of steroid induced body builders.
Anyways, I'm going attempt to fight the unwinnable tug-of-war.

I've agreed to a triple dog dare, a month long one at that ( honestly what was I thinking? ). Walk every day and draw something that catches my eye, a month of sketches. Which will officially begins...? Today! Stay tuned for that (remember I'm no  Kyra artist)

I'm ready to do something with my hair.... But what! Let's see if if I'm bold enough to make the move by tomorrow. If so, expect a picture. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, I'm feeling a little better about it now.

Comments

  1. Go for that walk, I want to see your sketch!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Today's cardinal sketch was lovely Kyra! Best of luck with your move; they can be very stressful. I think you deserve more than one Frosty for a 15 hour drive! I moved to another state 10 months ago and thought the three hour drive was awful.

      Delete
  2. I love, love, love that you accepted this challenge! I almost came here to ask something of you, too, and I will still ask it because there's a chance you might say yes to another.

    Our tongues have a lot of power. What we say, we believe. If you surround yourself with negativity, you will have negativity in your life. If you surround yourself with positivity, you will get the same in return. You can attach something biblical to that, or science, or karma or whatever, but no matter how you cut it, you can and do invite things into your life, either positive or negative.

    I'd ask you to stay honest - you are wide open here - but also ask you to add something positive every day to your thinking, your speech, your writing, whatever. Try that for a few weeks, just one positive thing. Can you think of things to like about yourself? Can you see good? I think it's so easy to get bogged in the "what I am not" and forget about the "what I am." You are lots of good things. You have tenacity and drive. You have a big heart. You are good with children. Could you focus just a few minutes of every day on those things? I think it would do a couple of things - bring more positivity into your life and also change your thinking a bit.

    So, would you consider doing this? Finding one good thing to say about yourself every day? Not for the blog or for public view (although I would LOVE to read that), but at least in your own head.

    Don't give up on your therapist. Relationships take work, and he/she clearly wants a good one with you. It's a delicate dance, but we are all human and flawed. Perhaps it is something you guys can work through?

    Keep on trucking, Brandon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a very good idea! Someone taught me years ago to write down five things each day that I'm grateful for. It's very helpful. I struggle as well with depression and chronic pain so it's good for me to focus on the positive.

      Delete
  3. I think your mom is probably worried and maybe needed to share it with someone. She's in kind of a tough spot probably trying to respect you as an adult but also sees how bad you are feeling.

    I guess you aren't too fond of your therapist? Maybe you will have better luck with the doctor tomorrow.

    I got my haircut today and it feels so much better. I get a ridiculous amount of anxiety about getting this done for some stupid reason but am always glad afterwards. I way over tip because I'm happy it's over.

    Share a pic if you do get a trim!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

I value, and appreciated any and all feedback, and nothing goes unnoticed. Thank you!

Popular posts from this blog

🏋️‍♀️

All Hallows Eve, Eve

Tim Tams