I Am So Sick To Death Of This Crap, That I Won’t Take It From Myself For Another Second For Another Minute For Another Hour For Another Day

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Decline

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Another month nears its end and another weight in with poor results was had. Last week I weighted 434.8 pounds, this week,  434.8. I maintained. It's been a rather bumpy month in terms of the mental health spectrum, and my overall journey. It's like my journey is a car and I'm suppose to be driving it, but this month i put on a blind fold, hopped over to the passenger seat and let my depression take the wheel. I never knew if I'm going foward backward, or if I was moving at all. I haven't been doing my homework for therapy in spite of  stating I would put more effort into it awhile ago. I told my therapist I think subconsciously I maybe don't want to do the home work cause I want to stay at the edge, but cause I want to build up to jump off the cliff. Earlier this month I wrote a goodbye letter to my nephews, sensing my impending doom after entering the dark haze once again. I was telling them, among other things, how I was sorry that I wasn't a bett...
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Food Addict. Emotionally Attached

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Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is...
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BPD & Other things

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I've been managing to create new lows for myself, the other day someone from TLC's my 600lb Life reached out to me about joining the show. It was not the kind of message someone like me wants to see... maybe like 10 years ago sure. But now with all the problems I have with image and weight loss, for them to solicit me was quite the slap in the face, although Im sure they meant well, after all there are people who would jump at the opportunity. Not me A guy mistook me for a woman in a store the other day, that hasn't happened in so long, i had recently shaven, and I unfortunately bare an unusual amount of excess fat in my chest, plus I guess I dont have the deepest of voice! Still it was quite crushing. Still because of on-going therapy this wasnt as deep a cut as it could have been, Im almost proud of myself how well Ive been rolling with the punches.  Ive been on a weird eating cycle of basically eating everything. Admittedly its boredom based I want to get things back...
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