Odyssey: Almost There

I was strolling through my cloud again, looking for old photo edits to add to my Tumblr when I suddenly realized I had wondered very deep down the rabbit hole, I went down to 2010 and seen several videos that I simply had forgot existed. They were from when I had tried up (and failed) another attempt at being healthy and dieting and recording my progress via YouTube.  I also lived at an apartment at the time that offered a gym for free, it was tiny, but free.

I do remember going there early in the morning for at least a week, I remember doing treadmill and some dumbbells, not staying very long. My mom also went. I remember I exceeded the weight of the treadmill its maximum weight was around 350, though I didn't know my weight, I knew I wasn't 350, and after a while the the machine would start smelling of  burned rubber. In the original  clip I was breathing so heavily but to get 15 minutes means I had to have worked up from 5, and 10, so this was quite the task.

In another clip I just recorded myself in a mirror, walking briefly. This is surprising for a number of reasons. Even now I likely wouldn't record my entire body on video in a gym even if it was just for me, but the fact that I did it then is strange. Naturally this footage was never used for anything, but somehow was never deleted like most of my other YouTube footage I decided to cut. I don't know what weight I am here but since this is the 2010 area, I'm likely around peak weight so around 600.

The clip was me talking about what I had done in the gym, and what I had eaten the previous two days. I actually have still photos from the same day, I didn't realize I shot a video from that day as well. There is actually a lot to take away here. Immediately upon seeing the second clip I instantly shot to how perpetually sad, and depressed I was ALL THE TIME. I know it seems bad now, but it was worse then, and I hid it. I seriously wonder how I came out from underneath that. I had no direction, I was hopeless, I didn't truly think weightloss was possible, I felt like the black sheep of the family, I was in  the closet, I had severe social anxiety and depression, moving the shortest of distances took the life out of me. Food was my life and even it lost a certain amount of its luster to the depression at some point.

From 2010 to 2014 my depression varied from severe-but-manageable to one-of-these-days-will-be-my-last. I'm learning, I'm seeing, and with subconscious reluctance, growing. I can now do an hour on the treadmill there have been a lot of health benefits since I set out on the odyssey, I could soon even be off the blood pressure medication (by soon I mean, probably sometime in 2017). I think the biggest thing I've learned along this journey is something that's only just recently sinking in, and gets me just a little emotional. It's knowing that those high numbers don't have be forever, they can come down. I was that guy, that teen, that thought they seen the numbers get too high for natural weightloss but I'm doing it, 200 pounds down, it's as good as it sounds. I hope anyone out there struggling with weight issues never gives up. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm not where I was.


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