Let The Rain Fall Down, I'm Coming Clean

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It's been rough getting back into the swing of things. In fact I really haven't. Perhaps I just recently got the motivation to put forth the effort, but I must come clean.

I actually started the process of looking into WLS last year, it's been on going, but basically I've been going through the process to get it. However since the beginning I never decided if I actually wanted it though, I still struggled with the concept. I continued on with my appointments regardless, and I kept gaining weight. Quite a bit since October when I originally started the appointments. I had a recent visit with one of the physicians looking over the process and he basically told me that my insurance would never approve the surgery with the weight I've gained. I knew that discussion was going to come up but it was harder feeling the disappointment and confusion  from the doctor when he was going through a graph that showed my sharp incline.

Did I ever want it? I think I wanted to be skinny, of course, but I don't think I was ever into the idea. Still ,having that in my back pocket did feel a bit reassuring. That's essentially out. I don't know if I ate recklessly because I thought I had a sure thing, or if I was deliberately sabotaging any chance of getting it, thus, the current result.

I've been analyzing, and realize I'll have to make serious lifestyle changes again to get back on track. I just recently figured out peanut butter is a trigger, peanut butter in anything is a trigger. Over processed foods like hot dogs are hard on my digestive system. Lack of sleep makes me feel morbid. Not taking my medications makes everything worse.

I weigh 464lbs. I've been noticing familiar stares and looks, the kind that helped create my social anxiety, but the kind that wavered quite a bit as I got lower, sometimes I felt like no one was looking at me at all when I was in the 320s, so the anxiety came from the hypothetical's created in my head, and still fearing humiliation. Now I see that I'm something to stare at again. I've noticed how no one asks me how my weight loss journey is going, that didn't happen a lot before, but it happened on occasion. Now it's as if everyone is at an understanding, it's too awkward to ask because at this point it's just weight gain, I did have an awful incident last year when a relative I hadn't seen in awhile came up to me in a store and proceeded to tell me how unrecognizable I was because I've gained so much weight and proceeded to ask what happened right there in the busy self checkout area.

This was upsetting and maddening, yes they seen me when I had gotten pretty low in 2016, but was basically the first time they had seen me in like 15 years. They never seen me in person at my highest weight. "Well I hope you get back on track" is how that whole mess ended. Oh, do you?

Reboot.

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