Coping

For awhile now I've had this idea in my head that things were just a lot easier when I used food as a way to cope with any situation. You're supposed to replace that habit with something healthier when yo embark on a weight loss journey, but I just left an empty void there. A void that I believed at times was worth the weight because at least when I had a situation that was hard for me, I could instantly urn to food, it was always there to console me. This past week I gave up on my weight loss journey and truly dived into the deep end, I binged and binged, I had fast food, and sugary treats, you name it, all in excess.

One thing I told myself during all his is its nice to just be carefree again, its nice to have my confidant, food, back. I may end up miserable but at least at certain times I could make it go away while eating. The truth is, while I was doing all this binging and destructive eating I just felt empty, I kept waiting for that feeling of bliss and comfort I would get when I was at my heaviest, but it really never came. I couldn't help but wonder, did I create a better idea of this than it actually was?

Yesterday I ate a ton of cookies and entire case that had several dozen, one thing I remember feeling as I ate myself to oblivion was how disgusting I felt, it was almost as if I were suddenly my peak weight again. There was this powerful sense of shame, and disdain. When I decided to end my weight loss journey I visualized myself returning to my highest weight and then some, but I didn't imagine how it would feel, emotionally, or psychologically. Yesterday I believe that's exactly what happened, there was this "what am I doing" in the back of my head. I knew it had to be the last day of behaving that way.

I've learned after almost a week of reckless eating that regardless of whatever impulse I've had to eat, in the past months, the food doesn't actually comfort me, I don't feel safe and sound anymore while throwing back dozens of cookies, or eating an entire box of toaster pastries. The old coping mechanism I used to have doesn't work anymore, and for the past few years I kept a sort of envious remembrance of my old-self, because at least he had that, he had this coping mechanism that made everything ok, for a little while. I thought I could I could have it back, I was wrong.

It doesn't work anymore, and more importantly I realize just why I cant go back, I can remember how badly my back hurt, my knees, my feet. I remember the complete hassle it was to bathe so I often took weeks in between bathing, I remember getting winded simply from standing up, I remember the way people looked at me, I remember what I thought of me, I remember the emotional treachery that being that size played on me. I can never go back there.

I can be incredibly disciplined and also very erratic, the erratic nature of things would describe how this year has been so far. I will now ration with myself when I feel like deviating, I'm going to make sure I do my exercises, and start prepping my meals, I have to get where I'm going. I played around the first half of this year, but now its time to get serious. Ill consider last week my biggest bump I've had this journey, it was truly the first and only time where I not only told myself I was done with the process, but my actions actually backed it up. A week of poor eating cant undo 2 and a half years of progress, I have to make it to my goal, there is so much more to come, happiness, and experiences, but I'm the only one in control of this. I cant blame anyone else, I must be disciplined. I must take back control.