it Was Awful

-
Sunday


I went to the outlet mall with a friend and it was anything but ideal. I don't normally go to a place like that but for some reason I decided to go that day and it was almost a worst-case scenario type of deal.

I was definitely getting some pretty hard and very obvious stares at me, some people were just being outright rude there were two separate incidents with groups where there was one single person who was just staring at me and then they turn to their friends and whisper something and the whole group would turn tolook at me. I just pretended like it didn't bother me or that I didn't notice and by the time I got out of that whole mall I was just kind of ready to deflate.

It was just an awful experience and I really haven't had one that bad in... really years and its just you reminder of how far I've fallen from grace and how no one really knows what you're trying to do. I remember  saying this years ago probably, on this blog and also to my therapist, that it doesn't matter how much weight you lose if you still look fat. You still look fat, and that's all people will see. They don't know that you've lost, you know, 100 + lbs or 200 lbs all they see is what is still remaining and they don't care. That was the case Sunday, all that really mattered that day was that I was still fat. It was so devastating and I'm I just walked out of there with a whole bunch of really intense emotions, it did not help my social anxiety one bit. I think I mostly went cause I want to see how I would do with the walking.

It was a huge mall and I was wearing my new Fitbit and I wanted to try the steps and I was logging everything in MyFitnessPal, so I was mostly going for that reason, I was really hoping to tune everything out the social parts. I had brought my headphones but they were not going to work in that situation and when we got there I never even turned them on. That's because it started pretty much right as we got in there and once I became hyper aware, those headphones weren't going to do anything for me, plus we got lost.


Popular posts from this blog

Smooth Sailing

-
The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...
Read more

I Watched Some Picture Films

-
I always like when people refer to movies as "picture films." I actually watched some movies over the weekend several days in a row. I even watched one this morning called The Loft , yesterday I watched The Account with Ben Affleck (so good). Its been really nice getting caught up in movie worlds for a little bit of time again, especially the horror ones, I really love a good spooky film. I watched one called From The Dark that was really good and I actually have a few to watch tonight so that should be scary fun. I got some Canadian bacon because I was told this was better for me than regular bacon because its considered lean or whatever, I also got some peanut butter 2 that I'm planning on making on an Instagram story video thing maybe today, its basically this powdery peanut butter you add water to that turns into normal peanut butter that has less fat and calories than regular peanut butter, so if you're following me on Instagram be looking out for that. How ...
Read more

Boot Camp Week Day Five

-
Image
The final day of boot camp week is upon us. Today the exercise goal is to complete the four mile challenge, which would give me a new miles per week peak. The food goal is simple once again, and the consistent goal of the week. Stay below 1,800 calories. I got news yesterday that my oldest nephew might be coming down for the weekend. That's pretty awesome news. His spring break starts today, but he'll only be here the weekend (versus the entire break previously), but   it wasn't set in stone so I'm not expecting anything.  He has been getting all A's in school this semester so far so I'm really proud of him. Today I'm getting blood work done, and will likely schedule  that follow up appointment.
Read more

Archive

Show more