it Was Awful

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Sunday


I went to the outlet mall with a friend and it was anything but ideal. I don't normally go to a place like that but for some reason I decided to go that day and it was almost a worst-case scenario type of deal.

I was definitely getting some pretty hard and very obvious stares at me, some people were just being outright rude there were two separate incidents with groups where there was one single person who was just staring at me and then they turn to their friends and whisper something and the whole group would turn tolook at me. I just pretended like it didn't bother me or that I didn't notice and by the time I got out of that whole mall I was just kind of ready to deflate.

It was just an awful experience and I really haven't had one that bad in... really years and its just you reminder of how far I've fallen from grace and how no one really knows what you're trying to do. I remember  saying this years ago probably, on this blog and also to my therapist, that it doesn't matter how much weight you lose if you still look fat. You still look fat, and that's all people will see. They don't know that you've lost, you know, 100 + lbs or 200 lbs all they see is what is still remaining and they don't care. That was the case Sunday, all that really mattered that day was that I was still fat. It was so devastating and I'm I just walked out of there with a whole bunch of really intense emotions, it did not help my social anxiety one bit. I think I mostly went cause I want to see how I would do with the walking.

It was a huge mall and I was wearing my new Fitbit and I wanted to try the steps and I was logging everything in MyFitnessPal, so I was mostly going for that reason, I was really hoping to tune everything out the social parts. I had brought my headphones but they were not going to work in that situation and when we got there I never even turned them on. That's because it started pretty much right as we got in there and once I became hyper aware, those headphones weren't going to do anything for me, plus we got lost.


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