Partially Eaten Fish Head
I am an addict.
Why would you do something that deliberately destroys you or your body, is what the thought that goes into my head when I hear about people addicted to hard drugs. Okay the thought isn't quite that generic but that's the point. You know what that drug is capable of, what it will almost undoubtedly do to your body, why start it? People start drugs for many reasons, I started my food (drug) as a child to cope.
You're warned about drugs as a child, told not to smoke, stay away from alcohol, even condition to try not to get fat. But no one tells you that you can get addicted to food, and young child you cant articulate that you are addicted to food and have an emotional reliance on it too for the exact same reasons (what ever they may be) as some who is shooting up heroin or cocaine. Breaking the habit at any age is hard.
Its strange being an adult, seeing the wrong and repeating it anyways. Its like you are on a little raft drifting down a river about to fork into two paths. One path is calm, there's sunshine and rainbows, and somehow a dolphin gracefully dives out the water, front-flipping majestically before disappearing under the water. It makes no sense but there it is. On the other path the sky is grey, there are pitch black clouds shooting lightening everywhere. Fish skeletons are floating along the dangerously rapid waves that crash into sharp dangerous boulders. You have full control over which path your little raft drifts, and so you drift towards those crazy rapids like you always do. There's a days old, partially eaten fish head at the end of that river, your drug of choice. Buckle Up!
Recently though you've been seeing how this trip is all despair and no glory. You've started to see that you're going for that days old fish not because its rewarding you, no, you cant remember the last time you got anything from this fish but pain. You've been going because you remember what it was like when the fish did do something for you, and sure it still passes a little bit of time, but what your chasing after doesn't even make sense. You're chasing after the memory hoping maybe it'll give you just a little piece of what it was like, but it never does.
Perhaps you've failed to realize that you've nullified its affects because of the effects it was having. Post-addiction remorse, while having your partially eaten fish head for the last several years you've felt instant guilt, self hate, and anguish during consumption. For days, weeks sometimes months after, it got to the point to wear you started feeling the guilt pre-fish consumptions and during. Every single time. It took its toll.
For a year now you've just been feeding an urge that leads to nothing. You're an emotional personal and you think your partially eaten fish head can soften or help the problem but it doesn't, it never does. You've become attached to your partially eaten fish head, but it serves you no purpose. You are afraid to let it go. You are afraid to not have something to turn to. You realize though that you have to, and you have to remind yourself that this was never something you could turn to, ultimately its why you're in the predicament you're in now, and your entirely life so far.
Why would you do something that deliberately destroys you or your body, is what the thought that goes into my head when I hear about people addicted to hard drugs. Okay the thought isn't quite that generic but that's the point. You know what that drug is capable of, what it will almost undoubtedly do to your body, why start it? People start drugs for many reasons, I started my food (drug) as a child to cope.
You're warned about drugs as a child, told not to smoke, stay away from alcohol, even condition to try not to get fat. But no one tells you that you can get addicted to food, and young child you cant articulate that you are addicted to food and have an emotional reliance on it too for the exact same reasons (what ever they may be) as some who is shooting up heroin or cocaine. Breaking the habit at any age is hard.
Its strange being an adult, seeing the wrong and repeating it anyways. Its like you are on a little raft drifting down a river about to fork into two paths. One path is calm, there's sunshine and rainbows, and somehow a dolphin gracefully dives out the water, front-flipping majestically before disappearing under the water. It makes no sense but there it is. On the other path the sky is grey, there are pitch black clouds shooting lightening everywhere. Fish skeletons are floating along the dangerously rapid waves that crash into sharp dangerous boulders. You have full control over which path your little raft drifts, and so you drift towards those crazy rapids like you always do. There's a days old, partially eaten fish head at the end of that river, your drug of choice. Buckle Up!
Recently though you've been seeing how this trip is all despair and no glory. You've started to see that you're going for that days old fish not because its rewarding you, no, you cant remember the last time you got anything from this fish but pain. You've been going because you remember what it was like when the fish did do something for you, and sure it still passes a little bit of time, but what your chasing after doesn't even make sense. You're chasing after the memory hoping maybe it'll give you just a little piece of what it was like, but it never does.
Perhaps you've failed to realize that you've nullified its affects because of the effects it was having. Post-addiction remorse, while having your partially eaten fish head for the last several years you've felt instant guilt, self hate, and anguish during consumption. For days, weeks sometimes months after, it got to the point to wear you started feeling the guilt pre-fish consumptions and during. Every single time. It took its toll.
For a year now you've just been feeding an urge that leads to nothing. You're an emotional personal and you think your partially eaten fish head can soften or help the problem but it doesn't, it never does. You've become attached to your partially eaten fish head, but it serves you no purpose. You are afraid to let it go. You are afraid to not have something to turn to. You realize though that you have to, and you have to remind yourself that this was never something you could turn to, ultimately its why you're in the predicament you're in now, and your entirely life so far.
