Oh Bother...

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Today wasn't a good day. Persistent intrusive thoughts plagued me. My energy dipped and stabilized and dipped again.My mind began to wonder, is life worth all of this? Will there ever be a time where I look back on thoughts like that and wonder how I could have ever been that way? PTSD was mildy triggered today, but it often is, but today it really bugged me, dealing with the heightened anxiety and hyperawareness because someone decided to come knock on our door after 9pm. It was just my brother and his fiancé, but I wanted to scream. I'm so tired of these little panics over small things like this. Sudden loud noises send me into the same stage. My friends have always thought it was funny how easily I'm scared, I've never bothered to tell them the deeper meaning. Anyways this is just bugging me today more than usual, I've been dealing with this for about 15 years now so I manage, but sometimes on top of other things its a bit much!

Today I took out the trash and noticed once again it was a beautiful day, I was inside all day, didn't take advantage of any of it. I missed food today, I missed the binging, I missed my comfort sugars. I missed my reeses. Today I felt like I had no meaning, and to be quite honest.. I'd be certain I didn't, if I hadn't been told that I had helped people out along my turbulent journey. Food would have given me meaning, I didn't give in and do anything crazy. Helped that I was already feeling fat, bloated and disgusting lately.

I went to the store yesterday for my mom (she is having knee problems) and while in there I seen one of my aunts from my dads side whom I did not recognize, but she recognized me. I always hate being seen. She said I "looked good." In comparison to what? Just last year it was her aunt who stopped me in that store and let me know how hideously, unrecognizably, humongous I had gotten. So what the hell is her reference point?

I haven't exercised all week. I've made a playlist but just don't have it. Its so strange how much of the day food can take up when you recklessly eat, and when you stop suddenly stop your day just seems kind of infinite. That's good and bad. I think one of my medications is causing me drowsiness. If I close my eyes at any point during the day I could fall sleep for a few hours or the night. I think its the Wellbutrin. honestly this has been going on for awhile but its just now clicking to me that it doesn't seem normal, I wanted to work out today but around noon I closed my eyes and my energy was gone and a nap ensued, I could literally go back to sleep and just sleep the day away though. Ill eventually bring this up with someone.

I have that appointment Friday with the weight loss people at UC. It just feels like a waste of an appointment, like, what do they expect? They didn't tell me that anything would change based off of how my month goes. So really I don't see the point in going back for like a year. I don't know I'm just annoyed. Literally someone I know who had to go to this mandatory weight loss group for the program (nov)is getting their surgery the same day. Of course they were actually wanting the surgery, still, also I really cant get over that one  Dr. guy that just kept talking to me like I was some invalid who couldn't possibly understand the incredibly easy process to lose weight. I don't know if I told that story. If not it doesn't matter, I'm just complaining about everything now.

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