22, A Million

Writing while listening to music, the new Bon Iver album. While watching one of my favorite YouTubers Dustin Kloeppel's  latest video he was inspired to write while listening to the lasted Bon Iver album 22, A Million. He got the idea from a tweet from another one of my favorite YouTubers Wylie Phenix.  It inspired me to give it a try given how much I've been connecting with music lately I thought this was a great idea. 
Dustins video

There are 10 songs, I wrote what came to mind per song.

22 (OVER S∞∞N)

When I was young and in middle school, it was such a strange time for me. I was a whirlwind of happiness and sadness. I still had my first dog who would soon run away and never be seen again, it was a devastating time, but I had a group of friends I spent a lot of time with playing super smash brothers on the N64. It's interesting how time seemed infinite back then, this was both good and bad. The very next school year in 8th grade things would radically change, shakeups amongst the group meant the group went separate ways and a batch of new students at school had me facing issues with bullying and anxiety, and worst, all by myself. The times of riding my scooter down the The street with my friends, or sliding down a snowy hill and being surprised with hot chocolate from a friends mom, were over.

10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄

I can't help but be just a tad bit bitter, seemed you only needed to lose about 40 pounds to lose the gut, of course that gut never stopped you from making me a target. It bothers me so deeply that I didn't speak up for myself let my oceans of emotion lay your ship bare, and casually wreck it. Perhaps it worked out better this way, with  me becoming the damaged person over time, but one that can heal and change, while you, you might just be the same monster forever.

715 - CRΣΣKS

I left you behind, I've been very unkind. For this we are perpetually sad now, It just just happened, like sand in my eyes I couldn't see, burning, the itch I just wanted relief. Every angle there seemed to be a new pain the only thing I could do set myself free was to join the very things that were hurting me.

33 “GOD”

I'm still seeking my spirituality, when I was a child I went to church with my brothers and immediately didn't identify or connect and stopped going. I eventually tried going a few times over the years, but nothing ever resonated. A few years ago, my friend mike invited to go to his church, I went, but I didn't feel comfortable entirely because of my weight (per usual I was the biggest person in the room), but other than that it was nice, I actually don't remember any specific part of it aside of the nightmare of being so huge. Over the years I've decided that I need to find my own path to spirituality and to a belief of god, if I so make it there. I don't identify as anything as of right now.   

29 #Strafford APTS

My mom used buy me animated movies on VHS when I was a kid, for a while it seemed like every week I was getting a new movie when I got out of school. It's probably just because I repeatedly watched one so often. I remember I had this small patch blanket someone my mom worked made and gave to her. Id sit that down in the living room and watch some of my favorite movies with some stuffed animals. My all time favorite Disney movie is Beauty And The Beast (Lion who? Little what? Pfft!), mom got me an under the radar movie once called Little Nemo Adventures In Slumberland it was so adventurous and spooky all at once, most people I talk to don't know of it, it's actually an anime (and in a League of its own). Another one of of my favorite movies to sit on the floor on my blanket and watch was Denise The Menace and also Who Framed Roger Rabbit (the murdering of the innocent shoe still bothers me) these were four of my favorite movies. Later I'd discover the likes Penguin and the Pebble and Indian In The  Cupboard though my watching rituals changed a bit.

666 ʇ

So here's to my wasted youth, and my life in crisis 


I want to go on a grand adventure, me a car,a camera and some clothes traveling between towns, taking pictures learning and exploring, meeting people I may never see again without fear. Just going with it, am I with anyone? I don't know, I could be. This version of me looks happy, lots of smiling.  

8 (circle)
 Summing up my life is rather simple "diet, and trying to lose weight. Fear of becoming what I've become." Looking back I didn't realize how unusual it was to be on diets as early as 6 or 7 and essentially to attempt one in some form from that point on every year for the rest of my life. I think I pondered once last year if "I was my weight" would I function the same without the weight, would my personality completely change. There are still so many regrets that I wonder if I can redeem. I read a blog I had not  been keeping up with, or I guess it hadn't been kept up, and the person gained back all the weight they had lost, which reminded me of the guy who lost something like 400lbs got the skin surgery literally looked like a different person, and within a very short amount of time gained all of that weight back, of course he probably unknowingly ruined his metabolism with that crazy diet that famous trainer had him on, and when it was all over, the slightest over-indulgence had dramatic consequences. Still even average Joe's, and Joanne's gain back their weight some time and though I don't see this being an issue for me, it gives me anxiety when I hear about these situations. Anyways, I just wonder when things won't be about weight (for me), or if that's even possible


I used to feel like my years repeated themselves. Not in a good way for instance 2011-15 felt almost identical with slight variations as to not upset the cosmos. I felt like my depression spells at certain times kicked up around the same time of year for similar reasons. I remember I would say "perhaps this is the year of change," Maybe write something on Facebook, maybe even feel good about it, but truly not know what that entailed, and by the next day be miserable knowing nothing was going to change especially since I had no real plans and didn't have an real belief in myself or in possibility. Every year felt like limbo.

00000 Million

Its the darnedest thing, in spite of how down I tend of be about my life, particularly my body, I tend to see the beauty in life. I suppose that's why I love photography and art, and though I consider myself a bit more aware of the darkness of man than the average person, I still believe in mankind. Even with all the incredibly awful things that have happened and are ongoing this year in the world. I really enjoy seeing genuine smiles, people who just give a friendly smile as they are passing by you in the store, on their commute or wherever, it really lifts me up. Some people come across very cold I remember this growing up and would avoid these people they would give me anxiety, if I were in a store and I were checking out and the sales clerk came across this way I'd change isles. I try to make sure I never come across this way even when I don't want to be bothered, even when I don't want to be approached, you never know what someone might need and might avoid because you come across a certain way.

Terrific album by the way


  1. One of my biggest obstacles of me losing a large amount of weight, is the fear of regaining it. I know that only about 20% of people maintain a weight loss, and I fear people who said "you look great" will be thinking "wow, look how big she is". And that's sad, defeating myself before I start. You, on the other hand, seem to have a more positive outlook and don't fear that, which is great. And probably why you are successful with your progress, and I am not. This was a great post, I like the way you presented it, and the way you continue to open yourself up about your feelings. I know I've said it many times, but I find you very inspiring :)


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