The Missing Link

This is going to be a post of me trying to figure out myself, analyzing things. The journey has been going slower than ever, its taking me forever to actually drop lbs now, but why? Thursday I went to visit  my friends Nick and Melissa, they just had a baby, every time I'm over there my eating takes a dive (every single time). I told myself before that I wasn't going to break trend, I wasn't going to indulge in any of the temptation food they had laying around, but I did.

I didn't just indulge, I over indulged, I had tons of snack cakes, and had a dinner far bigger than anything I usually would have, today wasn't any better. Now that I'm finally back home the I'm starting to let it all set in. So why am I breaking trend so much lately. Not just here, but at home. There was a period when I set out on a certain path, I was unrelenting, now I struggle to stay on one. To be honest I should probably be about 20lbs down further than I am, but since February I've just been  dropping the ball.

Lately I've found that I simple have these strong impulses to eat even when I'm not hungry (the food addict in me), and certain foods really trigger me, like anything sweet at this point. My ability to fight off the urge has been inadequate. Am I sabotaging myself? Part of me thinks maybe I am subconsciously sabotaging myself, for reasons I cant explain, I think maybe the thrill of being at my goal weight is gone, I cant feel that na├»ve sense that one day, someday, Ill get there, even if there were voices in my head actively saying it'll never happen. Now getting to goal weight I don't have that excitement I had when I envisioned future-self/Ideal me some time ago in 2015! Its like all traces of my dream  of Future-self/Ideal me aren't there now. its as if it was a silly thing I believed in (not often granted) like Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny.

I think that's the Missing link, I need to have that burning desire, that desire that had me lose well over 100lbs in less than a year when I started this. That burning desire made me resilient to my own mental battery, it gave blind ambition, and unrelenting persistence.  I need that back. Its so freaking crazy, that I can look back at 2015 Brandon and say, he was strong, stronger than I am right now, nothing was going to get in his way, not even the biggest obstacle of all, himself, me! I cant believe I'm saying this, but I need to be more like the Brandon who started this, that Brandon was unstoppable, and if I believe in myself I can get that part of me back, while maintaining the parts of me that have evolved.

Tomorrow I refresh, I'll draw up a plan and that's what I will do. Stay tuned


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