I just can't wait to be able to sit back and relax in my new life and body. A life where Brandon lives, Brandon is in control. I sometimes envision Ideal/Future-self just wondering down the streets exploring the hidden beauties of my city, and snapping photos. Meeting local mom-and-pop shop owners  and taking pictures of their stores and knitknats for my photography blog. I can't wait for the day I wake up and I'm proud of myself, when I can look back at the current me as the thing of the past.

If only I hadn't squandered so much of my youth and potential away because of food. Wanting to be a weight loss success story is easy, the follow through is so hard. I'd say mostly because of the length of time it takes. At least for me. Anyways I like to think Ideal/future-self will have everything figured out, he won't, but it's interesting to think of the different, but normal types of obstacles he might face. I'm just so sick of being able normal. Just the other day I went to the counseling office. My therapist office is on the second floor and I was going to take the elevator. There was a family sitting just out side of it talking seeming having good time. When I arrived they all took a good look at me, as I did them, I smiled polite and waited in agony for the elevator to arrive. The chatter that filled the room before my presence was gone. Instead I could just since them all studying me. Finally the elevator door opening. I enter. Threw the incident to the back of my mind until right now! It was truly awful. Who were they to make me feel like the subject of type of undiscovered species! Sigh. I'm tired of instances like this, I'm tired of having to be the polite one, I'm tired of having to be the one that has to bury the incident away for days at a time as a coping mechanism!

I want the tracking, and weigh-ins to be over. I want a new wardrobe and new hair! I want to be skinny already.


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