March Is Here, Already?




Amidst the chaos I hadn't realized we silently crept into March, the 3rd month of the year. Feels like I'm still stuck in February, its hard to grasp the reality of it. February was turbulent to say the least, with each week seemingly become more catastrophic. I'm failing this weight loss journey and that hurt, it hurts me in my core, it hurts me all around. This was the first year in so long I set goals for myself, for the time maybe ever that I truly set out to change my life for the good, for good.

February was suppose to be the month that I really started seeing results, like visually, I was suppose to be able to look at myself and go yeah, I'm losing weight for sure. But that hasn't happened, every little success is surrounded in doubt, because I just cant see it, and if I cant see it, no one else can. Its March, and this month is looking like its going to be absolute hell, I have no idea how I will manage. I just don't know how long I can feel like this, this is the worst its been, maybe ever.

I don't know if I mentioned this in some form late last week, but Wednesday I developed some type of knot in my stomach, it was tense and lightly painful, but it was the discomfort that really bothered me, it got more intense Thursday, and stuck around all through Friday, but was gone Saturday. I believe this was a physical manifestation of my anxiety, and stress. Saturday and Sunday I was fine, but today, knowing work looms tomorrow, I can feel it coming back.

I opened up a bit to my mom about the issues Ive been having lately, and she was sympathetic, but didn't offer me the out I was maybe hoping for, but it was kind of nice to get some of it out vocally. I barely spoke since Wednesday, barely ate until Saturday, but feel my appetite diminishing again. I'm trying to find something to cling on to, some glimmer of hope, a will to live. This was suppose to be the year I changed my life, lost a ton of weight, started living. It feels like Ive only taken baby steps, and I'm now moving backwards

Ive been thinking of my life a lot lately, and what it means or doesn't mean. I'm considering going to a counseling center that deals with people suffering from severe symptoms of depression, and anxiety and things of that nature.

I want to thank everyone for all the support this last week, I seriously don't know if I would have made it out alive without you guys, you truly made a difference. Ive been on, and am still on, the precipice of destruction, but its been almost surreal seeing you guys so concerned, but in that same vein I feel like I'm letting you guys down. I wanted to inspire people with the weight loss journey I embarked on, but I reckon I'm not very inspiring these days. I have been having little thoughts over the weekend though, wondering how amazing it would be if I made it to the end of this year, and seen amazing results, if something changed and I overcame all of this. It would be quite the comeback. Those are delusions more than anything at this point, but what sweet delusions they are.


Comments

  1. I again highly encourage you to follow through with going to see someone who can listen and/or help.

    And - it is ONLY just March. Imagine what you can do by December if you put your mind to it. Your whole world can be different!

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    Replies
    1. Its hard to imagine, but it gives me a tingling feeling. Its so scary though, I have no idea how the year will play out now. I had things so aligned so perfectly before, I could have seen my success happening, now, I don't know.

      Its not hopeless yet though.

      Delete
  2. I think counselling is a great idea. Give it a go.
    I'm glad we've helped you, we really do care. And I think having a dream about what your life could become is a good thing. Dream big.

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    Replies
    1. Im probably going to go tomorrow, Im actually off tomorrow (Wednesday 3//4).

      You all truly make a difference, if nothing else I am truly lucky, and grateful to have you all.

      Delete
  3. Brandon, I read your blog everyday and my heart is breaking for you. You do have a lot of situations in your life that are hard and painful to deal with and I know it can't be easy. I do know that things can change for the better and that they will if you keep trying and don't give up. Just do what you can each day the best you can and you will notice that you will start to feel stronger and healthier. You are worthy of happiness and health. God made you and He doesn't make mistakes. I know this is so hard to do but others have proven it can be done so you and the rest of us who are overweight can lose weight and get healthier and happier too. I don't know if you ever read it or not but there is a blog called The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser that is about a man who used to weigh over 500 pounds and is now in the 200's. He has a lot of pictures of before and now and shows pictures of what he eats and I thought his blog might be a help to you. I hope the car gets fixed soon and that everything starts looking up. I will keep you in my prayers.
    Jeanette

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    1. Thank you so much Jeanette, I actually have been following that blog for a while, but I think Ive only visited it once, Im certainly going to catch up on that blog, maybe it will inspire me and give me a boost in morale.

      And the car is working fine now!

      Delete
  4. Brandon, definitely give the counseling center a try. They might be able to help you with some coping methods for when the anxiety/depression gets really bad. No reason for you to suffer so.

    Don't be too hard on yourself about your progress so far this year. As you pointed out, we're only three months into it. There's still plenty of time to reach your goals!

    Have you ever heard the saying (it's an old one) about your stomach being tied up in knots? It's an anxiety thing so you might have really called that one.

    I look forward to your posts each day now and hope that I can encourage you and offer support. Don't ever feel like you're letting us down. I do find you very inspiring so no giving up!

    Glad you got to at least talk with your mom and get some things out. How is her car holding up?

    Hope tomorrow is a good day for you Brandon. Stay strong!

    Mollie

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    Replies
    1. I have heard that saying, and it never really dawned on me, but that makes complete sense!

      thanks for all the wonderful things you said, and the car is doing fine now, thank you!

      Delete

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