Will It Get Better Than This?
Today post work has been pretty boring, but that's kind of my life. I know Ill miss a day like today once I really start being a cashier and have to face that pain, but today was a good day, but this feels like the best of the best. I still come home lonely, I still feel insignificant, I'm still everything I was the day before, and hundreds of days before that. I recently asked you guys if I should get a phone and mentioned how social networking was rather bad for me, well Sunday I actually deleted my facebook account. I was just so tired of logging in and just seeing all the happy lives, and I know nothing on facebook is as it seems, but I still see people out with friends, going places, doing things, enjoying life, and then there is me. It was just toxic for me, I had to cut it off, maybe one day I will be able to use it in a healthy way, but for now its no good.
Facebook though it isn't the big issue, its just this unhappiness, and feeling like I have no purpose. Its every single day, it doesn't go away, and the trauma of work just makes it worse, so I know the worst is to come, but I want to be happy. Its so hard to be optimistic, I would just like to wake up one day and be happy, or not be unhappy, I wouldn't mind feeling neutral. Everyday I wake up and for a moment, somewhere in the day I get a feeling that maybe its the day I check out, and I feel awful how much it comes up, I know that my mom would be devastated, and Im sure it might hurt some of you who have been following me on this journey. I still plan on going to that counseling center. I considered going yesterday, I considered going today, I'm considering going tomorrow. Actually I work too late tomorrow... and they aren't open weekends so.... maybe Monday....
Im so annoyed with myself