3 to 10



That is what I work today, 3 to 10, 7 hours of hell await me. I still have some computer training to finish but I reckon that will only take about 15 minutes. I begged and pleaded with time last night, asked it to stop so I wouldn't have to deal with today. I pleaded that I wouldn't even mind reliving the same day over again for the rest of my life it it meant not having be in the pain today is sure to bring. Alas, the time went on, and today has arrived. My anxiety has my I stomach feeling like the ocean during high tide. I will likely eat something very light, and have nothing else for the day. I certainly wont eat at work.

About 10 or so years ago, I made the worst decision of my life, I could have been living the life I always wanted, instead of this. I had the opportunity to have years of obesity taken from me seemingly in an instant, but I turned it down. It has been weighing on me very hard the last day, I had almost forgotten until a recent comment reminded me of it. Today it feels like I was one of those contestants on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. who make it to 200,000 dollars, and instead of walking with the money, the sure thing, they go for the half million dollar question that they know nothing about, completely wing it, and lose! The soul crushing feeling that they must go through, I as a viewer often feel it too, like man you just missed out on a life changing amount of money, but In my case I lost out on a life changing procedure.

I discuss it a bit in the video below, take a look.




If there is any good news to mention, it is this, the car is operating properly. Mom called my uncle (that uncle), he suggested that it might be "bad gas" because she went to a gas station she didn't normally go to, and filled up right before all the problems occurred. He recommended that she go buy some product that you put in your tank  that like dilutes it(?) or, idk, I'm not a mechanic and I don't know car terminology so, all I know is she had to buy some stuff, put it in the gas tank, and from there things have been going smoothly. Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes regarding the car, perhaps your good vibes, played a role.

Also my mother bought me new shoes, she left this morning and came back with two pairs, I wish I would have known, because I could have gone too, or at the very least could have asked about a billion things about inserts and dealing with plantar, but she went to a retail department store, so I don't know if I would had had luck anyways (and honestly I probably would not have went today anyways, Im trying to stay off my feet as much as possible!). What matters is, there is a possibility these shoes could improve things a bit, and I am hoping like crazy that is the case. But we shall see. Ill update this post (or make a new) after work.

Comments

  1. Hi Brandon,

    I really like the videos, they give me a good sense of who you are. You come across and very intelligent, well spoken and articulate.

    I wanted to give you my perspective on weight loss surgery since I had a similar situation to yours. It might give you hope that you didn't make the wrong decision. In 2006 I had the chance to get the bypass as well. I too turned it down and for very similar reasons to yours. I was scared to death of the complications and also just couldn't imagine having to eat such tiny portions for the rest of my life.

    In 2007 I decided to tackle the weight on my own. It took me a while but I lost 130 lbs. I've been maintaining since then. I think surgery is probably a great tool just not for me.

    Please don't beat yourself up too much over your decision. I still see a lot of hope for you to lose the weight on your own. Also, don't feel badly about not being able to exercise right now. Exercise is great for fitness but the food is really more important. It doesn't sound like you're eating enough at all right now. I understand the stress and anxiety make it hard.

    I'm so glad everything worked out with your mom's car and that it seems to be running well now. Your uncle was smart to think of the additive for the gas; hopefully that will keep it going. So glad you didn't have to take the bus!

    Did you try out the new shoes at work today? Let us know how they were if so and how work went as well.

    Wishing you strength Brandon.

    Mollie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, congratulations Mollie, 130 pounds!? Thats amazing! Thats an inspiring story.

      I think for a while i just didnt think of it much, initially I was happy with my decision, but 10 some odd years later, still extremely overweight, dealing with the same emotional struggles as I did then and now with the pain of work. I think and ask myself what could have done to have changed this, and there it is, that bypass. It replays in my head, and I get to feeling like maybe I didn't know it, but that was my last shot, and I blew it.

      Delete
    2. Think where you will be a year or two from now Brandon. Your whole life will be different and ahead of you before you're even 30! I really think you're going to be successful without surgery.

      I'm pulling for you!

      Mollie

      Delete
  2. Hi Brandon, I recently found your blog and have enjoyed "meeting" you, I believe that you have a great deal to offer-the blog is so well written and in the video I notice how articulate you are. I realize the job is physically demanding and commend you for the effort you make.
    I am wondering if the WLS could still be an option?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan, Nice meeting you.

      Sadly, or fortunately (I don't know which), it is not on the table anymore. The policy I was on at the time is long gone.

      Thanks for what you said about the blog :)

      Delete
  3. Hi Brandon,

    That was me who left the comment earlier this week! Thanks for the video, it is was really interesting to see your thoughts on weight loss surgery. It is never an easy decision and I wonder if it's better that you regret not doing it, rather than regretting doing it...? Who knows...

    A while back I was quite active in online weight loss communities and there were a lot of people who had serious complications or who had problems with the success of their surgery and were totally miserable. And, like I said, I probably wouldn't recommend it.

    I did lose a stack of weight, had a body lift to remove loose skin and then gained most of it back while looking after my mum while she was sick. I have now lost most of that weight again (it's a never ending battle) but I did it without any fluid in my lap band because I felt it was a hindrance more than a help.

    Anyway, I'm sure you don't want my life story. I just wanted to reassure you that you never know how things would have turned out and there is no point living with regrets (easier said than done of course).

    I think you are doing amazing at your new job and you should be extremely proud that you are putting yourself so far outside your comfort zone so that you can contribute at home. There are not many people who would be strong enough to do what you are doing. I see that sort of strength and know that you'll translate that to your weight loss goals too. :)

    ReplyDelete

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