Passion, Inadequacy + Body Dymorphic Disorder

The week was rather solid, good even I'd dare to say, all the way up until Thursday, then I just went backwards I couldn't stay in that good zone, I just couldn't. My brother stopped by on his lunch break to, well grab lunch and to talk about his job, he actually recently switched welding companies to one right here in town, and of course the new crew are blown away by his performance ability. I'm quite proud of him, one thing I admire about him is how passionately he talks about it, he pulls out his phone and shows pictures of work he has done, how he had an idea to make the process more efficient, how the crew just lets him go for it cause he is so good. The guy really likes what he does, it's so genuine.

It reminds me of my friend Nick who is a produce manager for a major retail chain, he would show me pictures on his phone of his produce department, he tell me how he set up the fruit and vegetable displays and how people loved it and anytime we would go somewhere and I'd actually get out of the car and go in he would critique the produce department of stores, he would tell me all about crazy fruits I didn't even know existed etc. He really both enjoyed his job and took it seriously, there was a clear passion. That's how my brother is now.

I was supposed to go to the gym Thursday but my brother arrived right before I was going to go so I was going to wait until after he left, but then once he left, I just felt that familiar sibling inadequacy so I just went to rest in my room and called off going to the gym, my mom eventually came and asked me why I wasn't going and I just told her I wasn't feeling well, and that was that. Friday I had that ultrasound and I was trying to recover from Thursdays emotional low. I was feeling a bit better, I was looking at some pictures of myself and I was saying maybe I do see change, maybe that photo isn't totally horrendous, but then when departing to head to the doctors office I caught my reflection in the cars window and I don't know... my good spirits were burst like a ballon to the tip of a needle.

This whole Body Dysmorphic Disorder thing is ruining everything, I've noticed the weight loss Instagramers post about 80 percent more pictures of themselves than me, right now my feed is mostly what I eat, they are way more confident and way more enthusiastic, in fact I don't bother trying to be enthusiastic at all, but I see people who (in terms of numbers) are currently bigger than me posting virtually every day or every other day pictures of themselves courageously, fearlessly and I'm so worried that all my current photos look like my beginning photos that I just don't post anything because I don't want to look ridiculous. This was the struggle I had with that Fact To Face Friday post, it took me so long find a slight difference. All of my many issues are really bothering me lately, but this one is extremely problematic.


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