[UPDATE] Im In A Bad Place
Yesterday: For breakfast I had 3 small pieces of sausage, and snacked on some pretzels. No lunch, no dinner.
Report Card
Diet: ...
Exercise: N/A.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good: Got off work and pretty much went straight to bed
Mental Health: Abysmal.
I go in at four today, again, but I'm off at 9. I'm in a very bad place, yesterday I started writing mysuicide note before work. I haven't been this close to the edge in quite a long time. I kept thinking of my nephews, and how they would deal with it. I truly feel if my passing would effect anyone, it would be them, especially the oldest one whom I have the strongest connection with. I'm one of the few positive male role models in his life since his grandpa passed away many years ago, he was very young, but it affected him tremendously. His father isn't currently around (but should be by the end of the year) and I just feel like it would be bad for him, hes going through a bit of a rough patch, himself.
I also keep thinking about my youngest nephew Kieryn, whom I frequently watch on Sundays. He is so adorable, he is a growing pup. I watched him blossom into walking, semi-talking toddler. He knows how to say my name and is always a joy to have. He likely wouldn't remember me tho, he is too young to understand, his older brother Jaedyn though, that's a different story, I'm sure he would be quite sad. They all have lives of there own though, I am just an uncle. I wish I could be strong for them, but I just don't think I can be. I don't want to deal with this pain every day, people shouldn't have to live like this. I mean, what living am I doing anyways? I may exist, but I'm not living.
I didn't finish the note, there's still a lot of things that haven't been covered, and its not liking Ive planned anything, but I just feel like with the way Ive been feeling lately, I could suddenly make a snap decision to do something crazy to myself, and I at least want there to be an explanation. I'm too afraid that people would be thrown off guard and confused thinking things like"he seemed fine" and "I didn't know anything was wrong" well I don't want people to think that one day I just randomly blew my brains out, there would be nothing random about it.
[UPDATE]
At about 12pm my mother got a call, she was on the phone for awhile before bringing the phone to me in my room. I was dreading who it might be, it was my oldest brother (currently incarcerated). He was saying things like hes glad mom is doing fine, and is glad I got the job, that he needs me to keep home, home because hes not sure if he'll be able to old it together if things fall apart, he says he knows we used to fight as kids but he loves me and I'm (and mom, and my nephew) are all hes got. I sat there shaking my head for a bit at what he said, first I suddenly felt a bit more pressure to continue working this job that has me in horrible pain, and to not go through with any life-ending events, but then I just locked on to the part where he said we used to fight. This is the brother that used to verbally abuse me and treated me like utter garbage for a decade, we didn't fight! He bullied me and I rarely got brave enough to argue back. That makes for some one sided fighting. He needs me now? I just cant help but think it isn't fair! Why does he get to have me for support when I never really had him!? Why does he get trivialize the way he treated me, and hell partially blame me!
He went on about how he needs me because he doesn't have much family, just me, and my mom and my nephew, and sometimes my brother, and he has no friends because they were all backstabbing liars. I was so upset by this, but I dint show it, I simply told him things like, I understand, and yeah, as hollow and could be. Me and him have never really adress the hell he put me through, once his old gf called him out on it, that was the end. But that just now, that was rough. Of course he wouldn't think much of it, of course he wouldn't remember it as a traumatic experience, of course because its me! And I still have to go to work in less than four hours!
Report Card
Diet: ...
Exercise: N/A.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good: Got off work and pretty much went straight to bed
Mental Health: Abysmal.
I go in at four today, again, but I'm off at 9. I'm in a very bad place, yesterday I started writing my
I also keep thinking about my youngest nephew Kieryn, whom I frequently watch on Sundays. He is so adorable, he is a growing pup. I watched him blossom into walking, semi-talking toddler. He knows how to say my name and is always a joy to have. He likely wouldn't remember me tho, he is too young to understand, his older brother Jaedyn though, that's a different story, I'm sure he would be quite sad. They all have lives of there own though, I am just an uncle. I wish I could be strong for them, but I just don't think I can be. I don't want to deal with this pain every day, people shouldn't have to live like this. I mean, what living am I doing anyways? I may exist, but I'm not living.
I didn't finish the note, there's still a lot of things that haven't been covered, and its not liking Ive planned anything, but I just feel like with the way Ive been feeling lately, I could suddenly make a snap decision to do something crazy to myself, and I at least want there to be an explanation. I'm too afraid that people would be thrown off guard and confused thinking things like"he seemed fine" and "I didn't know anything was wrong" well I don't want people to think that one day I just randomly blew my brains out, there would be nothing random about it.
[UPDATE]
At about 12pm my mother got a call, she was on the phone for awhile before bringing the phone to me in my room. I was dreading who it might be, it was my oldest brother (currently incarcerated). He was saying things like hes glad mom is doing fine, and is glad I got the job, that he needs me to keep home, home because hes not sure if he'll be able to old it together if things fall apart, he says he knows we used to fight as kids but he loves me and I'm (and mom, and my nephew) are all hes got. I sat there shaking my head for a bit at what he said, first I suddenly felt a bit more pressure to continue working this job that has me in horrible pain, and to not go through with any life-ending events, but then I just locked on to the part where he said we used to fight. This is the brother that used to verbally abuse me and treated me like utter garbage for a decade, we didn't fight! He bullied me and I rarely got brave enough to argue back. That makes for some one sided fighting. He needs me now? I just cant help but think it isn't fair! Why does he get to have me for support when I never really had him!? Why does he get trivialize the way he treated me, and hell partially blame me!
He went on about how he needs me because he doesn't have much family, just me, and my mom and my nephew, and sometimes my brother, and he has no friends because they were all backstabbing liars. I was so upset by this, but I dint show it, I simply told him things like, I understand, and yeah, as hollow and could be. Me and him have never really adress the hell he put me through, once his old gf called him out on it, that was the end. But that just now, that was rough. Of course he wouldn't think much of it, of course he wouldn't remember it as a traumatic experience, of course because its me! And I still have to go to work in less than four hours!
