[UPDATE] Im In A Bad Place

Yesterday: For breakfast I had 3 small pieces of sausage, and snacked on some pretzels. No lunch, no dinner.

Report Card

Diet: ...

Exercise: N/A.

Water: Good.

Sleep: Good: Got off work and pretty much went straight to bed

Mental Health: Abysmal.







I go in at four today, again, but I'm off at 9. I'm in a very bad place, yesterday I started writing my suicide note before work. I haven't been this close to the edge in quite a long time. I kept thinking of my nephews, and how they would deal with it. I truly feel if my passing would effect anyone, it would be them, especially the oldest one whom I have the strongest connection with. I'm one of the few positive male role models in his life since his grandpa passed away many years ago, he was very young, but it affected him tremendously. His father isn't currently around (but should be by the end of the year) and I just feel like it would be bad for him, hes going through a bit of a rough patch, himself.

I also keep thinking about my youngest nephew Kieryn, whom I frequently watch on Sundays. He is so adorable, he is a growing pup. I watched him blossom into walking, semi-talking toddler. He knows how to say my name and is always a joy to have. He likely wouldn't remember me tho, he is too young to understand, his older brother Jaedyn though, that's a different story, I'm sure he would be quite sad. They all have lives of there own though, I am just an uncle. I wish I could be strong for them, but I just don't think I can  be. I don't want to deal with this pain every day, people shouldn't have to live like this. I mean, what living am I doing anyways? I may exist, but I'm not living.

I didn't finish the note, there's still a lot of things that haven't been covered, and its not liking Ive planned anything, but I just feel like with the way Ive been feeling lately, I could suddenly make a snap decision to do something crazy to myself, and I at least want there to be an explanation. I'm too afraid that people would be thrown off guard and confused thinking things  like"he seemed fine" and "I didn't know anything was wrong" well I don't want people to think that one day I just randomly blew my brains out, there would be nothing random about it.



[UPDATE] 

At about 12pm my mother got a call, she was on the phone for awhile before bringing the phone to me in my room. I was dreading who it might be, it was my oldest brother (currently incarcerated). He was saying things like hes glad mom is doing fine, and is glad I got the job, that he needs me to keep home, home because hes not sure  if he'll be able to old it together if things fall apart, he says he knows we used to fight as kids but he loves me and I'm (and mom, and my nephew) are all hes got. I sat there shaking my head for a bit at what he said, first I suddenly felt a bit more pressure to continue working this job that has me in horrible pain, and to not go through with any life-ending events, but then I just locked on to the part where he said we used to fight. This is the brother that used to verbally abuse me and treated me like utter garbage for a decade, we didn't fight! He bullied me and I rarely got brave enough to argue back. That makes for some one sided fighting. He needs me now? I just cant help but think it isn't fair! Why does he get to have me for support when I never really had him!? Why does he get  trivialize the way he treated me, and hell partially blame me!

He went on about how he needs me because he doesn't have much family, just me, and my mom and my nephew, and sometimes my brother, and he has no friends because they were all backstabbing liars. I was so upset by this, but I dint show it, I simply told him things like, I understand, and yeah, as hollow and could be. Me and him have never really adress the hell he put me through, once his old gf called him out on it, that was the end. But that just now, that was rough. Of course he wouldn't think much of it, of course he wouldn't remember it as a traumatic experience, of course because its me! And I still have to go to work in less than four hours!

Comments

  1. You have immense worth and value, and not to just those who know you in real life. In my opinion, fighting for mental stability is a #1 priority. What's the one thing you can do today that will bring a bright spot of life into your day? Something positive that will not outshadow your other goals in life. Putting on your favorite song and having a lil dance party? Belting out a little Whitney Houston? Writing a letter to your nephews to encourage them in their day, to support them, to strengthen your bond. Not a final letter, but the first in an ongoing series that does have to stop. Think of how they would treasure your letters, your words of encouragement. It doesn't sound like your fam has many positive male role models, but you can be the first.

    Fight for yourself! You are worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Im in such a dark place that thinking of a bright spot is exhausting. I haven't been able to listen to music lately, I just haven't been able to connect, and it just sounds like noise, which is odd, because I love music, its gotten me through a lot, but it seems this is too much even for it. The letter isn't a bad idea though, Im not sure if it will change how Ive been feeling, but it may make some of there days better. And as for male role models in the family goes, well, you are right (personally I had none).

      Delete
  2. I'm worried for you. call a suicide hotline. call your doctor. no one should have to endure the kind of pain you're in--physically, and emotionally. imagine if your oldest nephew was feeling hopeless and in pain like you are. would you be compassionate? would you do anything to help him? of course you would. treat yourself with the same compassion. and, if you can't do that, think about this: I guarantee you that your nephews will need you at some point in their lives (sooner than you think). be brave and ask for help. (I say screw work, because the physical pain is making you less stable.) I promise you, if you go to the hospital and tell them you are in so much pain you're going to harm yourself, you will get some help. some time spent someplace safe, where you can see a nutritionist, begin to address your anxiety and other health problems, would be a good thing, and brave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking last night that I may need to call one of those hotlines, but Im just not sure I can. Id feel humiliated, and would probably not be able to express myself correctly verbally. As for seeking help by going to the hospital, I guess for one Id be worried about the bill, and the one nearest to us is on the edge of town. And Id have to ask for a ride, and the whole scenario fills me with anxiety. I need an out

      Delete
  3. 1 (800) 273-8255, it's nationwide, and they're NOT going to make you feel embarrassed. They will help you, and they'll listen, and they're not going to judge you if what you say doesn't come out right. You could even write down what you want to say and read it to them. Read them this post. It's there. They can help you, they can help you find an out that isn't final and something you cannot take back.

    Those nephews? They're growing up right in front of you and may very well need their uncle to intervene and stop things like the bullying that happened to you. More, they WANT you around.

    Call. Seriously. The call costs you nothing. You can figure it out with them from there. But seriously, just call. It's not even committing to anything by calling them, truly. Just call, you have nothing to lose by just reaching out and talking with someone who could very well help you.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    ReplyDelete
  4. We're thinking of you. I hope things get better. Don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brandon,

    You have so much to offer and so much life ahead of you. I know it's hard to see through the depression but it will won't last forever. Please call the hotline if you are thinking of writing a note and don't worry about how you'll sound. They won't judge you and will try to help.

    Your nephews need you. You sound like such a great uncle and a really good influence for them. Their lives will be so much better with you in it.

    Pulling for you and hoping you feel better soon.

    Mollie

    ReplyDelete

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