Oh Boy...

As usual a recap of  yesterday, first.  I skipped Breakfast, it was so early, and time got away from me. I had a late lunch since I forgot my bag of pretzels, for lunch I had a leftover piece of baked pork chop, the  rest of the spinach, and the last garlic bread. For dinner I had a personal pan pizza, it was depressingly small, it looked like something from a easy-bake oven! But surprisingly, it did fill me up.

Report Card

Diet: Good.

Exercise: I got a new video, Leslie Sansone's Walk Off The Pounds Express, Super Challenge, which is a 4 mile walking workout. I unfortunately only got 2 miles in before I called it a day. She gets into some of the more elaborate moves sooner in this one than she did in the 3, so that was kind of cool.

Sleep: Good. Went to be at 11 again, and again slept well.

Mental Health: Good.

I set my alarm clock to 630am for this morning, and that was when I was up, I got up and was situated by 7. How did today go at work... TERRIBLE. We were suppose to be doing computer training which could take anywhere from a day to four to finish. But shortly after clocking in we were handed box-cutters and were led to different zones of the store. Apparently they were delivered a truck of product last minute (or something) and there was a ton of product needing to be unboxed and put on shelves....  So instead of doing my computer training, and instead of running a, or training for, cash register, I was out on the sales floor all day opening boxes and storing items.

For a while it was fine, but there was a lot of bending over, and that was a lot on me, and honestly being expected to understand the department numbers, categories and sections in a mostly vague 2 minute explanation, was ridiculous. I often forgot what number I was suppose to be putting a certain item with, or what series of numbers made the category or section. It was giving me anxiety, the whole experience was, I was actually working with a lady I never met, and of course anytime you stick a vet with a newbie, they are unhappy, she treated me nice, but took some subtle digs at me (when she didn't think I was in range) when someone asked how it was going.

Then the pain arrived, I was about an hour and a half in when I could feel it creeping in, I kept saying to myself "maybe this is the worst of it, I've lost weight, it has to be different", it was all down hill from there. By 11am I was issued my first break and I was glad to get off of my feet, because the pain was starting to skyrocket. Heres where the day became miserable. During my first 15 minute break, I drank a cup of water, and sat and just kind of looked around, didn't think of much, except how time seemed to be moving at an accelerated pace. Before I knew it I was back on the floor, that 15 minutes felt more like 15 seconds.

Ever step I took after that break was misery, and having to bend down so frequently didn't help the matter, my feet were on fire, my muscles started getting tens,  my legs muscles just above the knees start to tighten, almost like a cramp, I began to enter my dark state, and bad thought accompanied my pain. By the time my 30 minute lunch was scheduled, I was totally defeated, my pace dropped down quite a bit, my enthusiasm gone. I focused my negativity on two thoughts, one: why hasn't my weight loss done anything to improve this, why! And why was my leg muscles tightening up like that, part of walking and my workouts affects those muscles and for the better part of two months I've done at least a mile, once a week, but up  13!

I felt like I have failed, I waited too long to start this journey, and now I have to suffer, not just the mental pain from my weight, but the physical. Eventually 4pm arrived and I was off, the massive walk to the backroom to clock out was agonizing, but not as bad and having to cross the entire store to get out. My feet feeling like I was standing on a hot skillet with bubbling  grease, or cooking oil, it was as if I was deep frying my feet. Every footstep towards the doors broke my spirit ever-so-much. Finally I was out the doors. I had to hunt for my moms car, forgetting that I decided to be dropped off at left wing of the store this morning, so she obviously expected me to exit there too. So that wasn't fun, she was literally at the other end of the parking lot from where I exited. I got into the car and we rode in silence for a while. I was quite upset she didn't ask me how my day was, and was quite hurt, so I simply asked why she hadn't asked, she told me she could see it on my face. Fair enough.

Now I'm home, have been for awhile. I'm laying in bed, which I actually don't do much during the day anymore. My mom rubbed my feet with some pain relieving cream earlier, and that was hell, and as I lay here completely off my feet, it feels like I'm still standing on them, shooting lighting bolts of pain make frequents appearances. I actually just got a terrible muscle cramp, or charlie horse, in my right leg in the calf, that had me literally yelling out in pain. It lasted less than 15 seconds, but its the worse muscle cramp/charlie horse I can recall since being a teenager.

I am completely and totally dreading tomorrow. I don't go in until 4pm, I don't leave until 11. I'm having a hard time dealing with all this.

Semi-irrational rant.

On the ride home I had some thoughts... What am I living for right now? It feels like all I'm living for is to be in this pain, and I cant seem to think of being without it, and I'm one day in, I'm backed in a corner. I  don't dare quit, and try finding a job with a position I can work pain free, no, I wont go through the ridicule, and the judgement from the family. People think I should just suck it up. I fell like this job will be the end of me, and if it is, so be it! It seems like the only way people (certain family members) will understand my pain is if I completely succumb to it, well fine. Some of the strongest statements are made in death. It feels like the only way I can get through this is to completely embrace my misery, and the demise that may come from it.

I waited too long! This is my fault. The good news though, is with this new degree of manic-like depression Im sure to lose a ton of weight, because I cant see myself binge eating, today at work during lunch didn't eat a thing, why? I was too distracted by my pain.


  1. You did not wait too long. It is never too late. Yes, if you had started getting healthy years ago you would be in a better place now. But you are starting now and heading towards health. You are still so young.

    This made me think of my mum, for some reason. She got divorced at about the age of 40. At that age she felt like she was too old to be attractive to men, no point looking. Then at 50 she looked back and wondered why she thought 40 was old, 40 was still the prime of life. But she'd missed her chance, and now she really was too old at 50. Then at 60, she looked back and realised that 50 wasn't so old after all... she died at 73 and as far as I know never had a date since her divorce half a lifetime before.

    My point is, it is never too late to start NOW. But it is too late to change the past.

    I really feel for your physical pain. I get that pain like the soles of my feet are on fire (in a milder form) if I walk too far in a day so I have some idea what that feels like, I've hobbled along on the sides of my feet to try to get away from that pain. I'm sure yours is worse. Rest as much as you can before tomorrow's shift, I don't have any other advice to give. But you have readers here who care about you.

    1. Thank you Natalie, that's a very sad, cautionary tale.

      I am glad I have people around here like you, and the other commenters to vent to and lift me up.

  2. No one deserves to feel like you do right now. No amount of your own pain will prove anything to anyone else, and you are not due a punishment for being where you are at. You are at this place in your life and working towards going somewhere else better. In your mind, what is that? Where do you live? What activities do you engage in? What does THAT person and that person's life look like? THAT is what you're fighting for.

    So, those people and their mean remarks? Don't bother trying to prove anything to them. Remember that their remarks aren't so you'll do better, it's to make them feel better or powerful by hurting someone else - the true definition of mean spirited. You can't win that battle, because really they're fighting it with themselves and taking it out on a target - you.

    You DO need to find a job that doesn't hurt you so much. I highly HIGHLY recommend calling those temp and placement services, because they can accommodate you AND it'll probably pay a lot better! Seriously... would it hurt anything to just call and make an appointment?

    No matter what you decide, that weight you lost saved you from some measure of pain. More, the more you lose and the stronger you get, the less you'll feel going forward. You're working towards leaving THIS life behind, and that's worth working for. It's not just the weight, it's the people, it's the circumstances, it's everything. You have a whole life waiting for you, and you get a little closer to where you want to be every day.

  3. Brandon,

    You've got to start giving yourself some credit for your progress. I think the depression is clouding your thinking a bit.

    You haven't waited too long at all. For those of us who are older than you, we wish we had tackled the weight at your age.

    Also, two miles is great with the Leslie Sansone dvd's! Try to look at your accomplishments. You are working hard at your weight and getting exercise in. You're working despite pain in your feet and bringing home a paycheck. These are all things to be proud of!

    Also, don't let the training overwhelm you at work. It seems like a lot to learn but you seem really bright and you'll pick it up. Remember, the other workers have been there longer so it's second nature to them. Every one was new at one point!



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