And Im Back

The last couple of days have not been ideal, but then again neither have the last couple of weeks, hell, the month of February in general. This weekend I made some poor decisions eating wise, I truly disconnected from my journey. It was the first time that I didn't write since I started this blog . I felt like no one wanted to hear about the bad things I was doing, and didn't want hear me talk about the journey being over anymore, I didn't even want to write it, and that's mostly why I stayed away. I didn't want to make things official. I'm back now though, I have regained my sight, and my priorities have returned. Yesterday I had takeout, and just really disappointed my self what how I ate, Ive come so long, in such a short time, I'm capable of so much more if I can endure the obstacles.

I'm going to try something different, I'm going to try to take things in stride, we all know by now my anxiety problems are not to be underestimated, but I feel like I need to try to fight it internally  a lot more, many years ago, during the deepest of my depression, I finally lost the fight to my anxiety, and its become the nasty monster it is today. Trying to mentally change your outlook on things in the face of severe social anxiety, is difficult, but I'm so tired of losing this battle. So I'm going to try harder to deal with the things that trigger my anxiety. Tomorrow I have my orientation, and at the moment I have no anxiety, I'm going to have to deal with it, I'm going to have to charge ahead, its not going to go away, I shouldn't let tomorrow ruin today. I can think about the pain, I can think about the looks, I can think about the discomfort, but I don't have to focus on it, I don't have to deal with it before it even happens.

Here's what I know is the reality of my situation is, I'm a big guy, I weigh a self estimated 500 pounds. I will be in pain, I will be looked at strange, I will be uncomfortable. I will have to slap on my patented fake smile, and jolly fat guy persona for hours on end. What I also know, is that it can, and will get better if I continue on my journey. I made some serious progress within just a few short months. If I keep at it, the sky is the limit. The more weight I lose, the lighter on my feet I will become, that will lead to less pain, and less pain means a better work experiences, and a better quality of life, but also losing the weight means more confidence in myself, which means at some point, maybe those looks will start to mean less to me.

Another angle to look at is this, the job will be scary and painful yes, but it can also aid in my weight loss, I tend to sweat just by standing for short periods of time, so spending time at work can be considered a bit of a workout, and with actually working out at home, I have a one-two punch for losing pounds. And maybe on top of everything, maybe I will actually meet some decent people (honestly, from what I could tell from the people I seen during my interviews, this one  is a shot in the dark, lol, but you never know).

So there you have it, I'm back, and possibly better than ever. Today I had to go get my ID reissued, got there early to avoid the long lines, when we got home we got stuck in snow right outside the house trying to park. It snowed Friday and some more Saturday, but today was the big issue. I decided  to take a proactive approach, I mean, according to a certain a letter I'm just a fat lazy loser with no problems. So I decided I would try to get the car unstuck. I got out, and tried to push the car by myself  and that seemed to help but ever-so-slightly then I raced inside to grab the shovel to start picking at the hardened snow and ice, I was out there for over 30 minutes trying to correct the situation. Finally mother was able to get into her spot. It was only once I realized we were done that I realize the pain I was in, my fingers and toes were numb and stiff, my lungs were hurting and incidentally I could not catch my breath. I raced inside, and sat down, and my shortness of breath intensified, but with a pounding, earthshaking, soul crushing headache out of this world. I had the perfect storm of pain going on.

My mother was worried quite a bit, and wanted me to go to the ER, but I refused. It took almost 30 minutes for things to finally calm down. My fingers and toes are mostly back to normal, I still have some lingering headache, I have a bit of a cough, and my throat and lungs feel sore, but I'm functional. I certainly pushed my body well beyond a healthy limit, I was planning on working out today, I wont say what I had planned, because my body feels kind of beat from all the battling with the snow and icy wind. But I hope to give you some surprising news tomorrow, but if my body says take it easy (and at the moment it is) I wont be doing anything. Stay tuned.

Comments

  1. Hi Brandon, glad to see you back :) First, I want to say that no family member should be so calloused and cruel to you. You don't deserve that. Rip up that letter if you want to! Also, I am so glad that you realized that you are still worth fighting for, before you totally derailed. Remember, you have friends here who will support you, and recognize the effort and progress you are making. Good luck with the job tomorrow. If you are confident and friendly, it won't take long before people are seeing the inside, not the outside. You are more than likely harder on yourself than other people will be. Be a rock star!

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  2. Hey. I feel your pain. You have immense courage. I think you should add a new blog to your reading list: http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com --maybe even reach out to the person who writes it? There is help out there. Know that you are worth it.

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  3. Brandon- been thinking of you all day- hope the orientation went well. I really enjoy your blog and writing. So much if what you say hits home to so many of us. Stay strong!

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  4. Hey, remember that a lot of heart attacks happen when people are shoveling snow because they don't realize how HARD they are working. Be careful with yourself! I hope the orientation went well, and I have high hopes for this job opening new doors for you! :) (and your family member, well, honestly - what a truly sad person to be like that. Pity THEM and then move on. They're wrong.)

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  5. Hopefully that is the last bit of snow you'll see this year. Those were some scary symptoms you had.

    I've had to shovel this week as well and now understand why people have heart attacks.

    Don't be discouraged if your eating isn't perfect every day. Every day is another chance to improve. You can do it!

    Mollie

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