Seems Ive Survived The Week
Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone.
Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen), I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again.
You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet to turn to, no blog to vent to, I just internalized everything and it was rough. Managing to break free from that was part of the reason I starting my weight loss journey, I was tired of being forgotten, discarded, unloved, and I felt like the only way I could ever be worth value to anyone, was to lose the weight, and that's what Ive been trying to do. I didn't like those dark days, and even though I have been sad quite a few times a long the way leading up to this month of calamity, I didn't think the dark days would be back. I figured I was working towards something so Id never face it again, but here it is again.
I guess I foolishly thought Id have a year to lose the weight, and with my ambitious projections I figured Id start looking for work around the halfway mark, so June/July. I figured with the weight loss goals I set for the year I could make it, but things didn't work out that way and I'm back to work quite a few months early. Its amazing how this change of plans completely threw a wrench in the gears of motion I had going, and just how quickly I seemed to mentally deteriorate, but Ive had to deal with emotional turmoil my whole life and hide it, because no one cared, or they created environments that made me too self conscious to express myself, still i got used to it. But when actual physical pain is thrown in to the equation on top of that, my stability and ability to manage is just destroyed.
What does this all mean for my future? Its all uncertain, all I can say is I'm genuinely unhappy, and the resources I normally use to bring me happiness at times like this are proving ineffective. Everything is going to be on a day to day basis now. There isn't a way out of this that seems to end positively. I cant quit the job, if I told my mom I needed to quit she wouldn't understand, she sees the pain I'm in, and even if she gave the okay, Id never live it down, shed hold it against me in some passive aggressive way. That almost seems worth the risk, but once the rest of the family would find out that's when my new hell would begin, they'd rather I die on the job, than quit because of pain, pain that they think is trivial and everyone deals with. So there is no quitting this job, not while another isn't secured
Ive looked into temp jobs in the area, and they all have a trend, they give you a list of who is hiring (mostly factories) and you fill out the proper paper work to be eligible, I worked for a factory in 2010 for 4 days, it was terrible, and when I quit one day because of the intense pain I was in, all I got from the family was ridicule and judgement. So where does that leave me? In the same place.
I have to try to ride this wave, and live through it as it constantly comes crashing down on me, literally, my only hope at this point, is for the new shoes that properly support me and my condition, to give me relief, but I actually don't get paid for a couple of weeks! Will I be able to make it, we will have to wait and see
Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen), I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again.
You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet to turn to, no blog to vent to, I just internalized everything and it was rough. Managing to break free from that was part of the reason I starting my weight loss journey, I was tired of being forgotten, discarded, unloved, and I felt like the only way I could ever be worth value to anyone, was to lose the weight, and that's what Ive been trying to do. I didn't like those dark days, and even though I have been sad quite a few times a long the way leading up to this month of calamity, I didn't think the dark days would be back. I figured I was working towards something so Id never face it again, but here it is again.
I guess I foolishly thought Id have a year to lose the weight, and with my ambitious projections I figured Id start looking for work around the halfway mark, so June/July. I figured with the weight loss goals I set for the year I could make it, but things didn't work out that way and I'm back to work quite a few months early. Its amazing how this change of plans completely threw a wrench in the gears of motion I had going, and just how quickly I seemed to mentally deteriorate, but Ive had to deal with emotional turmoil my whole life and hide it, because no one cared, or they created environments that made me too self conscious to express myself, still i got used to it. But when actual physical pain is thrown in to the equation on top of that, my stability and ability to manage is just destroyed.
What does this all mean for my future? Its all uncertain, all I can say is I'm genuinely unhappy, and the resources I normally use to bring me happiness at times like this are proving ineffective. Everything is going to be on a day to day basis now. There isn't a way out of this that seems to end positively. I cant quit the job, if I told my mom I needed to quit she wouldn't understand, she sees the pain I'm in, and even if she gave the okay, Id never live it down, shed hold it against me in some passive aggressive way. That almost seems worth the risk, but once the rest of the family would find out that's when my new hell would begin, they'd rather I die on the job, than quit because of pain, pain that they think is trivial and everyone deals with. So there is no quitting this job, not while another isn't secured
Ive looked into temp jobs in the area, and they all have a trend, they give you a list of who is hiring (mostly factories) and you fill out the proper paper work to be eligible, I worked for a factory in 2010 for 4 days, it was terrible, and when I quit one day because of the intense pain I was in, all I got from the family was ridicule and judgement. So where does that leave me? In the same place.
I have to try to ride this wave, and live through it as it constantly comes crashing down on me, literally, my only hope at this point, is for the new shoes that properly support me and my condition, to give me relief, but I actually don't get paid for a couple of weeks! Will I be able to make it, we will have to wait and see
