Seems Ive Survived The Week

Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone.

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen), I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again.

You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet to turn to, no blog to vent to, I just internalized everything and it was rough. Managing to break free from that was part of the reason I starting my weight loss journey, I was tired of being forgotten, discarded, unloved, and I felt like the only way I could ever be worth value to anyone, was to lose the weight, and that's what Ive been trying to do. I didn't like those dark days, and even though I have been sad quite a few times a long the way leading up to this month of calamity, I didn't think the dark days would be back. I figured I was working towards something so Id never face it again, but here it is again.

I guess I foolishly thought Id have a year to lose the weight, and with my ambitious projections I figured Id start looking for work around the halfway mark, so June/July. I figured with the weight loss goals I set for the year I could make it, but things didn't work out that way and I'm back to work quite a few months early. Its amazing how this change of plans completely threw a wrench in the gears of motion I had going, and just how quickly I seemed to mentally deteriorate, but Ive had to deal with emotional turmoil my whole life and hide it, because no one cared, or they created environments that made me too self conscious to express myself, still i got used to it. But when actual physical pain is thrown in to the equation on top of that, my stability and ability to manage is just destroyed.

What does this all mean for my future? Its all uncertain, all I can say is I'm genuinely unhappy, and the resources I normally use to bring me happiness at times like this are proving ineffective. Everything is going to be on a day to day basis now. There isn't a way out of this that seems to end positively. I cant quit the job, if I told my mom I needed to quit she wouldn't understand, she sees the pain I'm in, and even if she gave the okay, Id never live it down, shed hold it against me in some passive aggressive way. That almost seems worth the risk, but once the rest of the family would find out that's when my new hell would begin, they'd rather I die on the job, than quit because of pain, pain that they think is trivial and everyone deals with.  So there is no quitting this job, not while another isn't secured

Ive looked into temp jobs in the area, and they all have a trend, they give you a list of who is hiring (mostly factories) and you fill out the proper paper work to be eligible, I worked for a factory in 2010 for 4 days, it was terrible, and when I quit one day because of the intense pain I was in, all I got from the family was ridicule and judgement. So where does that leave me? In the same place.

I have to try to ride this wave, and live through it as it constantly comes crashing down on me, literally, my only hope at this point, is for the new shoes that properly support me and my condition, to give me relief, but I actually don't get paid for a couple of weeks! Will I be able to make it, we  will have to wait and see


  1. Brandon,

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I've been battling some depression as well recently and I understand. I wish I had better answers for the both of us but at least know you're not alone.

    If you don't feel comfortable calling the hotline, keep blogging. Know that your readers care about you and are wishing you strength.

    Hang in there and enjoy your days off.


    1. Thank you Molly, I think this blog is the only relief I have. Im sorry to hear you are in the grey too.

  2. So... what if we break things down a bit? Actually, let's back up a bit... have you looked into filing for disability? Because the truth is that is what you're going through right now. If you were able to get disability support while working to improve your health and remove the problem in the future, well, that's part of what it's for (whether it's because of choices you made or not, that isn't the issue. It's being in the kind of pain you're talking about, etc.) Additionally, those people you apply for disability with may actually have leads on jobs that are more suited for the challenges you face right now.

    Additionally, I think you should look up data entry jobs locally (check out craigslist, and call some of those temp places and explain upfront what you are looking for and whether they have any positions like that?) Manpower specifically advertises for data entry clerks where I live, so they HAVE to have those positions where you are too. Adecco does as well. (Also, medical centers often have open positions for this sort of thing, because they produce HUGE amounts of data. Insurance companies as well. Those are companies to target directly online, might not even place ads many places - but will have them on their own websites. All those hospitals generally have websites with postings on them. But definitely check out too. I'm not sure where you're located, but if in the middle of nowhere vermont they have them, they'll have those jobs everywhere. Believe me!)

    Online, you can look at places like elance and bid and get individual jobs as well ( and that's something you could do at home with your computer. There are lots of options on there too, to figure out. That's something you could look into in your off time here?

    I think working is good for you, because you need that sense of being independent (imagine living in your own place away from all the negativity, even?) But that being said, you're working in the wrong job for you. It hurts. I mean, work generally stinks, but not like THAT. So, you just need to find a better match! Can you focus on that and moving toward something better?

    The last thing I want to say is that you don't know what that hotline can do until you call. Until you talk with someone. Their whole purpose in existing isn't just to sit there and listen, but to give you actual help if you are in a crisis, and hook you up with people who can support you. They have many layers. You have nothing to lose by calling them. So, please keep that in your back pocket if things keep getting darker, ok?

    1. I just looked up the disability claims here, says I need to have worked at least 1500 hours in the past 12 months (and many other things), the idea of having accumulate those hours is hard to fathom. That option I think is out of range.

      Data entry positions sound ideal, the possibility of them being available in my area seems low, but I will certainly look into it.

      I just visited elance's website briefly a moment a go, I'm not completely sure I understand how it works? But I plan look into to it more after this comment

      Its so hard for me to consider the hotline, I will give it a lot of thought.

    2. Well, I found this online:

      Their sources seem to link back to legitimate sites, so honestly? It doesn't cost you anything to call and talk to someone and see what they think. Maybe you can get benefits that help you out on the medical side of things (like the shoes? Or something else with the pain, or more?) Or maybe there is a whole set of programs... Basically, you have nothing to lose to call.

      And they may say "apply, you'll get turned down, but keep applying." I know they're complete jerks (the system is) when you apply, because they turn just about EVERYONE down the first time through. It was actually their written policy for a while, and we went through it when my mom was diagnosed with MS and in a wheelchair and unable to work at all. They turned her down through there and she had to resubmit I think three times in order for them to approve. It's just their policy to turn it down on the first pass or something (maybe the theory is that people will go away if they don't make it at first?)

      Anyway, if you could get on some sort of disability or help, and use that to help you get the weight off and get your life out of the realm of the family that clearly are toxic? Wouldn't that be worth it? It's worth a call, to check into it, at least! They might have numbers for you to call on job leads that support your challenges, or other resources too.

      Elance is more like you're setting yourself up as an independent contractor. You bid on jobs, and if you get it, boom you get paid along with each job. So, it's all mini-jobs. A regular data entry job would be better, but this is something you could do on the side right now just to see, too. Just an idea.

    3. Oh, also check out jobs for call centers! I know they have a high turnover and are always hiring. Call centers for customer service, or bill collecting, or advertising, etc.


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