I'm Not Even Sure

I spent yesterday in just an bad place, I can tell my overall mood is shifting into a general bad place once again. It's oh so familiar. I didn't go to that DBT group yesterday, I didn't do my dumbbell workout at home either, I mostly just layed in bed in a complete funk. I've been feeling very discouraged.

Today I didn't end up going to the gym because my mom made a big about having to make so many trips for me (a whole three, gym, therapy, orthopedist) so I just said forget it and ixnay'd the gym all together. This sent me deeper into the current emotional low I've been sinking in lately. Feels like I win small irreverent battles only to realize the war can't be won. I'm  genuinely asking myself what am I doing, why am I doing this? I don't see myself getting to my goal weight so what am I really doing? I'm so tired of this cycle, I'm tired of being so unhappy, it really does feel neverending. I never seem to make a complete turnover do I? I get to a very okay-state, or mostly pleasant place, but I'm never quite 100%, never truly good. There is so much chaos in world, maybe it's more sensationalized than ever, maybe I'm more aware than ever but I think why am I wanting to change to be part of this anyways? I know this is no way to think, but on dark days thoughts like these sweep me away like a fast moving ocean current.

I just don't know.


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