Mental Illness & Obesity, Seems One Is Getting The Best Of Me
A handful of weeks ago it looked like I was on the fast track to recovery still. I was going to therapy, making medical appointments, taking my necessary medications, still losing weight. It wasn't perfect, but I seemed to be in an all around better place, I'm sure many of you would agree. In the last couple weeks in particular, however, I seem to have done a 180. My already lacking, optimism, shot to smithereens. My weight loss has slowed down. Will to carry on, weak. And I honestly can't make sense of it.
On paper everything sounds perfect, I'm losing weight, receiving counseling, getting more active, there's those non-scale victories. So why is it I'm in what seems like an eternal cloud of depression? I feel like I had so much more control before, and now nothing. My medication is suppose to be in full effect by now, how is it I was more stable at the beginning, than I am now? A couple days ago I had a severe breakdown, I even told my mom I wasn't sure I was strong enough to hold on, things were just moving too slow. She gave me quite the pep-talk, and I knew she cared, and was terrified, yet soon as I began to walk away, it was like the entire conversation didn't happen. I retreated to my room and just sobbed for what seemed hours trying to come to terms with my life. That was quite the episode, my mom has never seen me quite that emotional, and I regret she ever had to. That feeling though, has been present in abundance lately, and I can't seem to fight it off.
It's a vicious cycle because I don't want to feel like this, and I'm upset that I can't turn it off. I'm upset that I can't look at the so called positive things in my life, like all the weight Ive lost, and be happy. It's exhausting being this depressed all the time. I wish I knew what the real issue here was, obesity, or depression. I put so much on my obesity, but it's starting to seem irrational, mores so than usual. It makes less sense to be the depression, I'm on the medication, I'm in therapy. I have considered upping my dosage, doubling what I currently take. That's pretty irrational, I know, and I won't.... But it's floating out there. When I close my eyes I see the life I want, but like a train departing from its station, it moves further and further out of view, until I open my eyes, and it's gone.
Perhaps I am just doomed to intertwine with melancholy for the rest of my days. Maybe no treatment, or weight loss can change the doomed trajectory of my life. Or maybe this too shall pass, and I'll somehow find the strength I need to begin abolishing these feelings.
On paper everything sounds perfect, I'm losing weight, receiving counseling, getting more active, there's those non-scale victories. So why is it I'm in what seems like an eternal cloud of depression? I feel like I had so much more control before, and now nothing. My medication is suppose to be in full effect by now, how is it I was more stable at the beginning, than I am now? A couple days ago I had a severe breakdown, I even told my mom I wasn't sure I was strong enough to hold on, things were just moving too slow. She gave me quite the pep-talk, and I knew she cared, and was terrified, yet soon as I began to walk away, it was like the entire conversation didn't happen. I retreated to my room and just sobbed for what seemed hours trying to come to terms with my life. That was quite the episode, my mom has never seen me quite that emotional, and I regret she ever had to. That feeling though, has been present in abundance lately, and I can't seem to fight it off.
It's a vicious cycle because I don't want to feel like this, and I'm upset that I can't turn it off. I'm upset that I can't look at the so called positive things in my life, like all the weight Ive lost, and be happy. It's exhausting being this depressed all the time. I wish I knew what the real issue here was, obesity, or depression. I put so much on my obesity, but it's starting to seem irrational, mores so than usual. It makes less sense to be the depression, I'm on the medication, I'm in therapy. I have considered upping my dosage, doubling what I currently take. That's pretty irrational, I know, and I won't.... But it's floating out there. When I close my eyes I see the life I want, but like a train departing from its station, it moves further and further out of view, until I open my eyes, and it's gone.
Perhaps I am just doomed to intertwine with melancholy for the rest of my days. Maybe no treatment, or weight loss can change the doomed trajectory of my life. Or maybe this too shall pass, and I'll somehow find the strength I need to begin abolishing these feelings.
