The Hellacious Adventure To Get Work Clothes

As I told you all before in a previous post, my new clothes/work clothes shopping was bumped up from Monday to today, suddenly. My mother doesn't drive out of town, or on major highways and the stores that carry my size range are a ways away, so my aunt is the one that decided to take me. I learned my mom was going to tag along at some point (initially she wasn't coming), fine. I was told my aunt would be here between 11:30am and 12:30pm, and to be ready "she waits for no one," I decided to call the store we were going to go to, because it wasn't the one I had shopped at before, and I had been to many different big person related stores that didn't carry my size. So I call and find out they don't have my size, the website was a clear giveaway, but I had to be sure. So we called my aunt to tell her the news, and decided we would go to the tried and true big person store, the one I had been to years before.

After arriving an hour late,  aunt, my mom, and my me were on our way, but they decided to stop by my grandmothers. Mom got out, went inside and returned with a envelope for me. It simply read "Brandon, read this when you get the chance. Love, Grandma" I was kind of excited, I figured she might be saying something about my weight loss or nabbing the job. My aunt however stopped me from opening and said "Don't open it here, it will ruined the entire mood", of course by saying that, the mood was already ruined(for me, on the inside, anyways). I decided to wait to open the letter. We were on our way again, I sat in the  backseat of the car, and my mom and aunt were talking about a range of things, but I kept quiet, all I could think about was what this letter might say, but past experience gave me a good idea, and that meant it was nothing to look forward to.


The store I shopped at many years ago, moved from its own stand-alone outlet, into a huge mall, anxiety ensued, but I was in public so I had to go numb, look stable! As we entered and walked around all I could see was a sea of regular, normal looking people... and me. I stuck out, as I always do. We finally arrived at the store, and so began the fitting. I hate dressing rooms, in fact the last time I believe I used one, was 6th grade! I didn't think Id need to, but alas, I was in a stuffy dressing room with a slide curtain that just wasn't low enough for my liking, it was hell. I was hot, and sweating, and worried about people seeing my naked feet, and lower leg, or worse, someone mistakenly coming in.

After realizing the pants I was trying just weren't going to work, we found... the elastic band pants, and things changed 10 fold, sadly they are the kind of pants I have to wear over my stomach, and I simply hate wearing my pants like that, I feel like it makes me subconsciously change my posture, and makes my back hurt. But what choice did I have? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, they were having a going out of business sale! So everything was sort of now or never, and it was these pants, or the ones that don't go over my stomach but are too big (the ones I wore to my interviews) I struggled to keep them up!

I was ready to leave early in, I was uncomfortable, I felt on display, even at this place designed for guys like me. But as I looked around, most of the people shopping there, they didn't look like they should have been. My aunt told me I should also get this, and I should also get that, but I said no because I was ready to go. I got lectured a bit, but it didn't matter, they didn't understand the anxiety I was feeling, the humiliation I was trying to hide. The whole ordeal had just been hell to me, and looking out into the mall every so often seeing people looking in was a special kind of torture.

Finally with two new shirts, and two new pants we were on our way back out. I was trailing behind my mom and aunt, because I for a little bit of time, I just lost my will to live, for that brief period of time I just thought, why? Why am I doing this? I should have ended this long ago. Every step felt like I was having an internal battle with my brain to give my leg the energy it needed to move. Up and down they went somehow, but at a snails pace. Eventually I snapped out of it by the time we were getting to the exit, freedom I thought.

In the car my aunt gave me another lecture, and then we were on the road again. I felt like I was slipping back into the deep depression I experienced over summer, and for a moment I had the worst series of thoughts. That I should quit this journey, give up on my weight loss, close my YouTube and end this blog. I sat there for a bit thinking of how many times I tried and failed to document my weight loss on YouTube over the six plus years my account has been up. I felt like I don't deserve to be happy, that I should end my diet and eat myself to oblivion to cope with the miserable life Ill never escape, that, or walking into coming traffic.

I feel exhausted emotionally, and just feel like why fight any longer, just give in to fate, its been sealed for some time now anyways. These are the dog days of my weight loss journey, perhaps the end of the road is approaching.


I'm uncertain about everything.



Comments

  1. Brandon, I am so sorry for the day you had. Please do not give up this fight. When you start your new job you will have so much more freedom and it will be a new start for your life. You will be making your own money and when you start driving you will enjoy even more freedom not having to depend on anyone to take you places. You do deserve to be happy at whatever weight you are. You are worthy of respect, love and happiness as much as anyone else is. You have done such a good job on getting in so many miles of walking this year and you are watching how much you eat as well. Things will get better in time if you just keep trying and going in a positive direction. It takes time sometimes a long time to see and feel the difference in your body but it will happen if you don't give up. Just know I am praying for you and wishing you the best. I enjoy reading your blog because I can so relate to so many things you feel as I am sure many people with a weight problem can. Just take things a day at a time because time will pass either way and it will get better in time. God bless you Brandon.
    Jeanette

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, that sounds horrible. I can't imagine how hard that is. If I can suggest a couple of "bright sides", firstly you got the clothes you needed so you won't need to do that again until you lose some more weight, and secondly people probably aren't looking at you as much as you thin. People tend to be very absorbed in themselves. We're you looking around thinking "that person is too fat/skinny/ugly/pimply/scarred"? Probably not, you were busy with your own concerns. So were they.
    Take depression and suicidal thoughts very seriously. You are going through hard times and some big changes. Keep hoping, and working towards things getting better.
    Can I ask what the letter said?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Natalie, Id rather not go into the letter in full detail, just to kind of protect myself from having to relive it, I dont want it to live on in this blog in that way. What it did was trivialize every problem Ive ever had or faced, and reduced them to something insignificant while also criticizing my lack of accomplishments. No understanding at all.

      But you are right about the clothes, that certain is a bright side, It wil be a while before I can convince myself people aren't making judgements of me in public though

      Delete
  3. So, I'm slowly catching up on your blog. Forgive me if you are well past this. But let me just say that those feelings? They're not weight-related, they're life related. I can guarantee that they'll be there at goal weight too, unless you start working on them. I still fight them myself, every day. I don't know why I have always felt I am a worthless person, but it's been there from my earliest memory.

    So, you just have to fight. You have a right to exist. You have a right to be here. You have a right to make things better for yourself. You have a right to find what makes you happy.

    Life is not a club where you get voted out. Or in. Life is something you either take and make yours, or you let happen. Frequently, it's a combination of both. So, fight. This is yours. This is what you have been given, this is what you have to work with. But just LOOK at all the possibilities if you only work hard enough going forward. People don't get to vote those things out of your reach, either.

    So fight back against the feelings and keep pushing forward. Life is a solitary game, I know, but you can still win it.

    ReplyDelete

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