The Hellacious Adventure To Get Work Clothes
As I told you all before in a previous post, my new clothes/work clothes shopping was bumped up from Monday to today, suddenly. My mother doesn't drive out of town, or on major highways and the stores that carry my size range are a ways away, so my aunt is the one that decided to take me. I learned my mom was going to tag along at some point (initially she wasn't coming), fine. I was told my aunt would be here between 11:30am and 12:30pm, and to be ready "she waits for no one," I decided to call the store we were going to go to, because it wasn't the one I had shopped at before, and I had been to many different big person related stores that didn't carry my size. So I call and find out they don't have my size, the website was a clear giveaway, but I had to be sure. So we called my aunt to tell her the news, and decided we would go to the tried and true big person store, the one I had been to years before.
After arriving an hour late, aunt, my mom, and my me were on our way, but they decided to stop by my grandmothers. Mom got out, went inside and returned with a envelope for me. It simply read "Brandon, read this when you get the chance. Love, Grandma" I was kind of excited, I figured she might be saying something about my weight loss or nabbing the job. My aunt however stopped me from opening and said "Don't open it here, it will ruined the entire mood", of course by saying that, the mood was already ruined(for me, on the inside, anyways). I decided to wait to open the letter. We were on our way again, I sat in the backseat of the car, and my mom and aunt were talking about a range of things, but I kept quiet, all I could think about was what this letter might say, but past experience gave me a good idea, and that meant it was nothing to look forward to.
The store I shopped at many years ago, moved from its own stand-alone outlet, into a huge mall, anxiety ensued, but I was in public so I had to go numb, look stable! As we entered and walked around all I could see was a sea of regular, normal looking people... and me. I stuck out, as I always do. We finally arrived at the store, and so began the fitting. I hate dressing rooms, in fact the last time I believe I used one, was 6th grade! I didn't think Id need to, but alas, I was in a stuffy dressing room with a slide curtain that just wasn't low enough for my liking, it was hell. I was hot, and sweating, and worried about people seeing my naked feet, and lower leg, or worse, someone mistakenly coming in.
After realizing the pants I was trying just weren't going to work, we found... the elastic band pants, and things changed 10 fold, sadly they are the kind of pants I have to wear over my stomach, and I simply hate wearing my pants like that, I feel like it makes me subconsciously change my posture, and makes my back hurt. But what choice did I have? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, they were having a going out of business sale! So everything was sort of now or never, and it was these pants, or the ones that don't go over my stomach but are too big (the ones I wore to my interviews) I struggled to keep them up!
I was ready to leave early in, I was uncomfortable, I felt on display, even at this place designed for guys like me. But as I looked around, most of the people shopping there, they didn't look like they should have been. My aunt told me I should also get this, and I should also get that, but I said no because I was ready to go. I got lectured a bit, but it didn't matter, they didn't understand the anxiety I was feeling, the humiliation I was trying to hide. The whole ordeal had just been hell to me, and looking out into the mall every so often seeing people looking in was a special kind of torture.
Finally with two new shirts, and two new pants we were on our way back out. I was trailing behind my mom and aunt, because I for a little bit of time, I just lost my will to live, for that brief period of time I just thought, why? Why am I doing this? I should have ended this long ago. Every step felt like I was having an internal battle with my brain to give my leg the energy it needed to move. Up and down they went somehow, but at a snails pace. Eventually I snapped out of it by the time we were getting to the exit, freedom I thought.
In the car my aunt gave me another lecture, and then we were on the road again. I felt like I was slipping back into the deep depression I experienced over summer, and for a moment I had the worst series of thoughts. That I should quit this journey, give up on my weight loss, close my YouTube and end this blog. I sat there for a bit thinking of how many times I tried and failed to document my weight loss on YouTube over the six plus years my account has been up. I felt like I don't deserve to be happy, that I should end my diet and eat myself to oblivion to cope with the miserable life Ill never escape, that, or walking into coming traffic.
I feel exhausted emotionally, and just feel like why fight any longer, just give in to fate, its been sealed for some time now anyways. These are the dog days of my weight loss journey, perhaps the end of the road is approaching.
I'm uncertain about everything.
After arriving an hour late, aunt, my mom, and my me were on our way, but they decided to stop by my grandmothers. Mom got out, went inside and returned with a envelope for me. It simply read "Brandon, read this when you get the chance. Love, Grandma" I was kind of excited, I figured she might be saying something about my weight loss or nabbing the job. My aunt however stopped me from opening and said "Don't open it here, it will ruined the entire mood", of course by saying that, the mood was already ruined(for me, on the inside, anyways). I decided to wait to open the letter. We were on our way again, I sat in the backseat of the car, and my mom and aunt were talking about a range of things, but I kept quiet, all I could think about was what this letter might say, but past experience gave me a good idea, and that meant it was nothing to look forward to.
The store I shopped at many years ago, moved from its own stand-alone outlet, into a huge mall, anxiety ensued, but I was in public so I had to go numb, look stable! As we entered and walked around all I could see was a sea of regular, normal looking people... and me. I stuck out, as I always do. We finally arrived at the store, and so began the fitting. I hate dressing rooms, in fact the last time I believe I used one, was 6th grade! I didn't think Id need to, but alas, I was in a stuffy dressing room with a slide curtain that just wasn't low enough for my liking, it was hell. I was hot, and sweating, and worried about people seeing my naked feet, and lower leg, or worse, someone mistakenly coming in.
After realizing the pants I was trying just weren't going to work, we found... the elastic band pants, and things changed 10 fold, sadly they are the kind of pants I have to wear over my stomach, and I simply hate wearing my pants like that, I feel like it makes me subconsciously change my posture, and makes my back hurt. But what choice did I have? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, they were having a going out of business sale! So everything was sort of now or never, and it was these pants, or the ones that don't go over my stomach but are too big (the ones I wore to my interviews) I struggled to keep them up!
I was ready to leave early in, I was uncomfortable, I felt on display, even at this place designed for guys like me. But as I looked around, most of the people shopping there, they didn't look like they should have been. My aunt told me I should also get this, and I should also get that, but I said no because I was ready to go. I got lectured a bit, but it didn't matter, they didn't understand the anxiety I was feeling, the humiliation I was trying to hide. The whole ordeal had just been hell to me, and looking out into the mall every so often seeing people looking in was a special kind of torture.
Finally with two new shirts, and two new pants we were on our way back out. I was trailing behind my mom and aunt, because I for a little bit of time, I just lost my will to live, for that brief period of time I just thought, why? Why am I doing this? I should have ended this long ago. Every step felt like I was having an internal battle with my brain to give my leg the energy it needed to move. Up and down they went somehow, but at a snails pace. Eventually I snapped out of it by the time we were getting to the exit, freedom I thought.
In the car my aunt gave me another lecture, and then we were on the road again. I felt like I was slipping back into the deep depression I experienced over summer, and for a moment I had the worst series of thoughts. That I should quit this journey, give up on my weight loss, close my YouTube and end this blog. I sat there for a bit thinking of how many times I tried and failed to document my weight loss on YouTube over the six plus years my account has been up. I felt like I don't deserve to be happy, that I should end my diet and eat myself to oblivion to cope with the miserable life Ill never escape, that, or walking into coming traffic.
I feel exhausted emotionally, and just feel like why fight any longer, just give in to fate, its been sealed for some time now anyways. These are the dog days of my weight loss journey, perhaps the end of the road is approaching.
I'm uncertain about everything.
