My Journey Partner
I'm thankful for this platform, I hope this doesn't feel like I've disregarded the support I've gotten from you guys. I honestly never imagined this blog catching on, and being of interesting to anyone. I never imagined Id have people from afar following along regularly, encouraging me and relating to the things I write about, its amazing
This year, I was originally supposed to have a partner in crime. My buddy Matt, who I met freshmen year in high school. He was supposed to embark on his own journey beside mine. Hes journey is different, he is quite thin, and he has issues with his weight, and like myself, he has been teased and made fun of because of his size, so like myself he has a lifetime of insecurities related to his image. We are visually the polar-opposite of each other, but are a lot a like under the surface, and shared a common goal; to make a transformation in 2015. His goal this year was to gain weight, and muscle mass, he wanted a more toned, fuller body. We decided we would be like life coaches, pushing each other to get through it.
Well the year began, and as I promised, I was on his case, but he had a billion excuses. He needed this, he needed that, before he could begin. Finally near the end of January he decided that since he already wasted the month, he would just wait till February. Meanwhile throughout January I was doing all kinds of research about things he should eat, the exercises he should try out and things of that nature and relaying the information to him regularly. Even though I was kind of nailing January, he really wasn't much of anything as far as support.
This kind of goes with why I THINK I may be so down lately, I get into these spells, were I just feel insignificant. I feel like I don't mean anything to the people that matter to me. Even as a child, I felt like a bottom barrel son, a bottom barrel friend, a bottom barrel everything. This is no different. I stopped checking in with him recently because its clear he doesn't care. The last time I checked on him was a few weeks ago, he had started making baby steps, but he should have told me, but no. I had to ask, who knows his progress now.
It just bugs me deep down, because I let myself be excited about having that support system for the years journey. And it just validates the lifelong feeling of worthlessness I have stored up. People don't tend to take an interest in me, and Ive always felt this was because of my weight. It really hits me hard lately, cause maybe I might be doing better this month had I had him coaching me along. He is no Bob, from the Biggest Loser, but having that live-active support would have been nice. And so Ive just been thinking, if only I mattered more.