Stop This Train

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In every train wreck there is a point when the wheels come off the tracks. That is the point I'm at right now. Its interesting, my blog doesn't get half the traffic it got earlier this year or last. I suppose that's partially my fault, I've taken writing hiatus' several times this year for extended periods of time, and I just haven't been as successful as I have been in previous years.


All my trials are reductive, its the same thing rehashed to lesser or greater affect. My weight has been stalled for months, I'm not progressing. I'm all washed up and I think a lot of the original readers seen that and jumped ship. I don't blame them.


Right now I'm back in my annual holiday dark haze, I'm miserable and unhappy and lonely, and, useless and ugly and its all coming to a head. I see my psychiatrist Wednesday and idk how that will go, I'm pretty unhinged right now. I've had fantasies of going on one last giant disgusting binge and then ending it all.


I'm out of control. I binge then I fast. Then I'm okay for a few days then I binge and fast. I've actually attempted to purge twice. I failed. And its whatever. I don't know. Monday I'm hoping to jump back in gear but I doubt it'll stick even if I do. My motivation isn't there. There is no heart. I just can't seem to be happy with this current body, and I couldn't be happy with the past bodies and I won't be happy with anybody between my goal weight.


For some reason this year I've turned to food. With every month my relationship with eating progressively got worse. I'm back to old habits. Eating my emotions, eating out of boredom and loneliness and for whatever reason.


Ive inadvertently taken up food coping again. It is totally fucking up everything. I'm so sick of me. I see how miserable I am and still I can't seem to draw myself away from downing any entire box of pastries!!!
I'm so sick of all of these ugly clothes, I have no idea how I've seen so many people get some kind of sponsorship either through their blog or instagram for their weight loss journey where some company gives them clothes to promote or samples of some random product. I've seen people just starting on their journey manage to end up with some random endorsements.


But this is the plight of being both boring and completely hideous. If I were half decent looking or even had a mildly captivating personality, I might have gotten an endorsement by now. I'm just finding things to complain about now. That really isn't that big of an issue to me. Its just something that crosses my mind when I'm feeling especially mentally destructive.

I guess I'm done with this emotionally driven post.




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