Like I Never Left

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My weight has shot up to 423. I'm officially fallen from grace I've officially gained 100lbs. At the time of this writing this is a weight gain story. I'm the guy who lost some but then gained it all back.

I've always been pretty unfiltered on this blog, unlike on Instagram where I just don't feel I can or should be. That being said, I've been suicidal lately, lots of existential thinking with poor results. My psychiatrist who I seen today (12/14/18) wants me to do a partial hospitalization. 

I'm not onboard. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself but I just know and feel it's eventually going to happen, like it's fate. It's just a gut feeling. In the rare times I'm enjoying a moment I'll l be ripped out of it because I'll remind myself that I won't be here in the end so what's the point of even enjoying this? (whatever this is at that moment). Almost like I have no control over what's going to happen. Then that existential thinking kicks in and suddenly I'm wondering why I'd want to ever be a part of this wretched world anyways and blah blah. 

Anyways, it was recommended to me to write again, and I think it would be for the best. Wish I could say I'm doing better and thinner than ever but it's quite literally the opposite. Stay tuned.

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